I try to be nice.
I want to stay as positive as I possibly can.
But some things go so far against my sense of justice...I must speak up against the darkness of today in the hope of a brighter tomorrow.
I've spoken before, with little effect, about the affront to all things humorous that is Fred Basset, a mislabeled "comic" strip originally produced by Alex Graham but now carried on by his daughter, Arran, and artist, Michael Martin. May God richly bless them for their desire to have Alex's legacy live on, but seriously...does the world need this dreck?
The most recent Sunday edition of the least comical comic in print serves as a prime example of why Fred Basset should be allowed to die with dignity (though I fear it's a bit late for that). [WARNING! Graphic images of extreme dullness follow. Be advised that narcolepsy may ensue.]
In the first panel, we see Britain's favorite hound getting a bath.
Then we are treated to views of him being dried and brushed.
Finally, the kicker...the big punchline that all of this has been building up to:
And newspapers PAY for the rights to print this stuff.
Bring on the four horsemen of the apocalypse, please.
So...having purchased a few essential items, I'm walking out to my car in the parking lot of my local big box national chain discount-like retailer.
Then...what to my wondering eyes should appear but irrefutable evidence of the recent presence of a total goomba/doink/dipstick.
Behold...
Seriously...you couldn't have pushed the cart three more lousy feet and actually put it IN the cart corral instead of leaving it dangling out there, daring someone to hit it the way I want to hit you?!!?
Have a nice day.
What follows are tweets that have come before. To be able to see these in real time, not this lame, after-the-fact way, follow me on Twitter (@deweyroth).
- “UberFacts: Joggers live an average of six years
longer than people who don't jog.” Actually, it just FEELS that way...boredom,
you know.
- “UberFacts: Over the
last 50 yrs, researchers say pop music has become louder, dumber&most songs
sound the same." Research was need 4this?
- Like PopeFrancis, I used to be a bouncer. But MY bouncing was down the
side of a mountain when I tried to ski.
- [From when I live-tweeted Guardians of the Galaxy] Yeah, the
galaxy-destroying stone is in the furthest pod, so SHOOT IT?!!? #GotG
- “UberFacts: Trimethylaminuria
is a disorder that makes U smell like day old fish. It has no known cure or
treatment.” #MyHSsociologyTeacher
- “UberFacts: If you get gum
stuck in your hair, soak it in Coke for 5 minutes and it will come off easily.”
I don't WANT my hair 2 come off!
- “UberFacts: Chimpanzees
understand and can start fashion trends.” This explains a lot.
- “UberFacts: The closest
living relative to a hippo is a whale.” Or the hippo's parent, maybe, eh? #genetics
- “UberFacts: Rubbing a banana
peel on a mosquito bite can help stop the itching.” but may attract gorilla
bites.
- “UberFacts: It would take a
person walking nonstop approximately 347 days to walk around the world.” The
oceans really slow a guy down
- “UberFacts: It takes about 20
arctic foxes to make just one coat.” #nothumbs
- “UberFacts: A live flu virus
can last up to 17 days on a dollar bill.” #livingcheaply
- “Factsionary: A thirsty plant
will cry for help by making a high-pitched sound too high for humans to hear.” #WastedEffort
- “UberFacts: Lady Gaga has
been playing piano by ear since the age of 4.” That's gotta hurt!
- “UberFacts: Jim Carrey was
first choice 2B Capt Jack Sparrow in "Pirates of the Caribbean"
but he turned it down.” #PraiseJesus
- “UberFacts: Soy products can
decrease sperm concentration in men.” Leading to easily-distracted sperm.
- “Factsionary: Women prefer
taller men more than shorter men.” In fact, shorter men don't prefer taller men
at ALL.
- # IfIWasInCharge an election's winner would have 3 days to take down all
political road signs, or the runner-up would be declared the winner
- “UberFacts: You cannot deep
fry food in space.” That's it! Cancel my flight plans!
- “UberFacts: Rubbing a
cucumber slice on your bathroom mirror will keep it from fogging up” AND from
being useful for seeing yourself #smear
- “UberFacts: "Come
Together" was the last song all four of The Beatles made together.” And
that, friends, is called #irony
- “UberFacts: The most
profitable area of a store is the checkout line.” Cause it's the only place the
store actually, U know, gets $$$
- “Factsionary: “I have a bad
feeling about this” has been said in every Star Wars movie.” & in the lines
waiting to see them
- “UberFacts: Chicken nuggets
are only 50% chicken.” ...and 50% nugget.
- “UberFacts: A lit candle
causes more than 15,000 house fires every year.” That's a lot of work for one
candle!
- “UberFacts: U are 3 times
more likely to die at work than you are at war.” I'm infinitely more likely 2
BE @ work than @ war. #SoThere
- “EricIdle:...PythOnline, a
site I ran for two years in 1996.” 2 years in 1996? Am I the only one confused?
- “UberFacts: People who
eat nuts 7 or more times a week have a 20% lower death rate.” #PrettySure
every1's death rate is 100%
Here I sit, a hopeless twit
With nothing to repeat
This so-lame thought, not sold or bought
Ain't even worth this tweet.
A brand new year.
Why do we say that?
Specifically, what's up with the word brand in the sentence? Nowadays, in these here parts, the word brand conjures images of trademarked images...words and symbols that sear a particular company into our minds.
Golden arches. "You're in good hands." Lindsay Lohan. All I have to do is mention these things and you are automagically thinking of french fries, insurance, and neverending rehab.
In an earlier century, brand meant something slightly different...though quite a bit the same. Brand was a symbol, seared into the hide of cattle or other livestock...letting the world know who that animal belong to. And before that, the same action was taken with casks of wine.
But neither of these meanings is getting to the point. Why do we call it a brand new year?
According to Yahoo! Answers: The answer to our little mystery lies in the original meaning of "brand," which was "burning or fire," in this case specifically a furnace, forge or kiln. Something "brand new" was an item, whether pottery or forged metal, fresh from the fires of its creation, and the phrase dates back to the late 16th century.
So...yeah...ummmm...
Maybe you should go back up to the 4th paragraph and read it again...THAT was kind of funny, at least...right?
(Starting the year off with a bang...yessiree...)
