Friday, August 30, 2019

Almost Definitions V

Even still more yet from The Almost the Truth Dictionary of What Words Ought to Actually Mean:

Tabaret (n)  -  Popular movie musital scarring Liza Minelli as Sally Bowles and Joel Grey as the Mascer of Teremonies.

Tabbed (clause)  -  Where folks go at night when they're tired.

Tailored (n)  -  What a male cardinal has, as opposed to a male bluebird's tailoblue.

Udders (v)  -  When a cow employs the faculty of speech; uses the voice to talk.

Umpteenth (adj)  -  Having the appearance of being done by an unqualified person; "You really made this soup umpteenth! It tastes like a baseball official playing golf."

Vaccine (n)  -  A monthly periodical about Hoover, Bissell, and Dyson.

Wagon (adj)  -  Description of a sad, tailless canine.

Waltz (adj)  -  Belonging to Disney.

Xantham (n)  -  A stirring, loyalty-inducing song played before every x-ray procedure.

Yearn (pronoun)  -  Belongin' to y'all; "Hey, is this here coondawg yearn?"

Zeal (n)  -  any of numerouz carnivorouz marine mammalz that live chiefly in cold regionz and have limbz modified into webbed flipperz adapted primarily to zwimming; often erroneouzly confuzed with a zea lion.

Friday, August 23, 2019

Back in the Sadder

Just in time for the end of the summer family vacation season, I have been reminded of a game Beloved and I used to play with our four ankle-biters when driving long distances.

The origin of our little time-filler was a sketch from the educational television show, The Electric Company. Two cowboys (Skip Hinnant and Morgan Freeman...yes, THE Morgan Freeman) were loping along while the significant words from their dialogue appeared over their heads...ostensibly, helping the young viewers learn to read.

It sure is good to be back in the sadder again.
Back in the what?
The sadder. You know, sitting here
on our horses. Back in the sadder.

You mean saddle. It's good
to be back in the saddle.
Saddle?!? No, that's like when
a teacher is trying to get the students'
attention: "Okay, kids, saddle down."

Oh for crying out...that's settle!
It's "settle down, kids!"
Now you're just confused. Settle is a
breed of dog. We once had an
Irish settle. Beautiful animal.

That's setter. You had an Irish setter.
No, no, no. Setter is like after you've
broken up with your girlfriend:
"Ahhh, setter but wiser."

The phrase is sadder but wiser. Sadder.
Well, that's what I said to begin with!
It's good to be back in the sadder again!

*  *  *  *  *  *  *

The Roth Family version of this very rarely circled back on itself so neatly. We have been known to cross a complete state while flinging malaprops back and forth at each other:

Look at that statue of a Native American!
Look at the size of the quiver on that thing!

You mean shiver. The thing that
holds arrows is called a shiver.
Shiver? That's when a young boy first
starts using razors. "What a cute little shiver!"

That would be shaver.
Shaver? That's the high-tech
skateboard Marty McFly used.
I wish we could buy a shaverboard!

Hoverboard! The word is hover!
Hover?!? You silly little...hover is like
when you put a lid on a pot.

That's cover. You cover the pot.
Noooo...cover is what you
call a group of witches.

That would be coven!
Coven?!? A coven is what you bake cakes in!

*  *  *  *  *  *  *

Round and round it goes! Where it stops, nobody knows!

Friday, August 16, 2019

Rock-N-Roll Pays Off

The story of the 484th-greatest song of all time ranks right up there with all the record execs who poo-pooed the Beatles when they first were trying to get a recording contract.

Here's how Rolling Stone put it:

"I Love Rock 'N Roll" by Joan Jett
Written by: Jake Hooker, Alan Merrill
Produced by: Ritchie Cordell, Kenny Laguna
Released: Jan. '82 on Boardwalk
Charts: 20 weeks
Top spot: No. 1

Attempting to jump-start a solo career after her stint in teenage rock band the Runaways, Jett was turned down by twenty-three record labels as she shopped around the demo tape to "I Love Rock 'N Roll." She finally cut the song for tiny Boardwalk Records, but that label's execs weren't sure that Jett's riff-rocker was a hit -- she was able to buy the radio rights to the track for $2,500. Today, Jett is a girl-rock icon and the song is worth nearly $20 million.

Can I get a "Neener-neener"?!!?

Joan Jett

Take THAT, you clueless gatekeepers!

Friday, August 9, 2019

How to Tell Someone's Not Minnesotan

All this week, and continuing through Sunday afternoon, Beloved and I have been/are performing in the 20th Anniversary production of the Dakota Chautauqua.

It started as a commemoration of Dakota County's 150th birthday, during the Dakota County Fair of 1999, and has featured original songs and mostly-humorous scenes based on Minnesota history.

In recent years, it expanded to celebrate Minnesota's quirks and contributions to culture...

...which is what led me to write the song, "You're Not From Around Here."

I'm thinkin' that you're not from around here
I can tell by the funny way you talk
Your kids play Duck, Duck Goose instead of Grey Duck
You don't say "wanna come with" when you go for a walk

Your opinions are stated bold and clearly
You never say "what a fella might want to do"
Your compliments are not one bit back handed
Your aggression's never passive, that's the truth

You say what you mean and mean what you say
I could go on like this all day
I'm sorry, this might sound harsh, I fear
I'm not one for playing dumb
But you stick out like a sore thumb
I'm pretty sure you didn't grow up here

I'm thinkin' that you're not from around here.
I can tell by the way you flaunt your style
That parka that you wear in mid-October
Makes all the Scandehoovians point and smile

And when in the mail an ad comes from Cabela's
You rush to put that thing right in the trash
You must be allergic to all things flannel
If not, then please explain that nasty rash

In January, you stay inside
You're scared that you might freeze your hide
And May's your favorite season of the year
First you're cold and then you're hot
Gee, you sure complain a lot
I'm pretty sure you didn't grow up here.

Yeah, and if I'm not mistaken
With all your belly-achin'
I'm sure as shootin' you're not from 'round here
©2017 Music GGGGus

Friday, August 2, 2019

62 and Counting

It's not every day you turn 62. In fact, there's only one day in a person's life when it happens.

Today is that day for me.

It's a strange age to become. It's too young to retire. (Especially for me...I won't be able to afford to retire until the day before I die. Kinda hard to schedule that in advance. I'm thinkin' my final words will be "Oh farnsworth. I could have retired yesterday.")

It's too old to get hired anywhere. I've either got too much life experience or not enough life expectancy.

I've got not enough hair on my head and too much in my ears.

The most exercise I get is walking to the bathroom a few times a night.

One fun fact is that I'm the same age as the Frisbee® flying disc. Disc inventor, Walter Frederick Morrison, named it the Pluto Platter, but I'm pretty sure Wham-O changed it to Frisbee® so it wouldn't sound like people were flinging canine poo-patties.

August 1957 also saw the first national broadcast of American Bandstand. That's not such a bad thing to share a birth month with. It lasted 32 years. I'm glad to have beaten it by three decades, and I say my run so far could be rated a 93...I've got a good beat and I'm easy to dance to.