Friday, May 25, 2018


It has been well-documented in this space that I have a particular fondness for "The Wine of Waco," Dr Pepper (not a sponsor). Not only is it refreshingly refreshing when imbibed ice cold, but it also is deeply satisfying when sipped from a mug, steaming hot.

I've seen a few recipes that call for Dr Pepper to be added and it got me to thinking...

How might Dr Pepper improve things that are NOT eaten or drunk?

  • I started my scientific investigation by emptying a 2-liter bottle of my favorite soft drink into my car's gas tank. I cannot, with a straight face, recommend this as a fuel additive. However, for those few moments when the car was still able to produce exhaust, it smelled really good.
  • DP works well as a stain for wood floors. It also has the side benefit of tickling when you walk barefoot.
  • For personal protection, Dr Pepper will work in a pinch as a replacement for pepper spray. It doesn't really incapacitate the attacker, but it makes them feel disgusting enough that they rush home to take a shower.
  • Slathering on this nectar doesn't repel mosquitoes, but the caffeine jacks their tiny hearts into blow-out mode. The backyard becomes a miniature, biological fireworks spectacle.

Friday, May 18, 2018

What IS It with Good-Looking Women?!?

In my part-time pursuit of economic solvency at my local FastStop convenience store/gas station/cigarette emporium, I've noticed something both curious and disturbing.

Well, maybe I should back up a little and get a running start at this.

First, you should know that  -  in a certain way of thinking  -  I tend to temporarily fall in love with each of my customers. I mean, I am absolutely focused on them and their needs. My sole reason for existence in those few moments between "How can I help you?" and "See you next time!" is to do whatever is best for that person.

And that's an awful lot like love.

Second  -  and this may be more of a confession than an informational statement  -  some members of the female segment of human society make it easier to fall into that temporary state of love/infatuation than others.

There, I said it. There are certain combinations of bone structure, poise, coloring, hairstyle, confidence, and positive attitude that end up being more attractive than others.

But here's something I've discovered, and it confounds me.

Almost without fail, when someone walks up to my register who elicits the internal response of "this right here is an attractive woman", she will want to purchase some cigarettes. And THAT, my gentle readers, is definitely a turn-off for me. To think of a beautiful set of teeth clenching a rolled-up wad of burning tobacco sets my gag reflex dial to eleven.

Maybe it's God's not-so-subtle way of keeping me on the straight and narrow. (Thank you, Beloved, for having stopped smoking LONG before we met.)

Friday, May 11, 2018

Observed Absurdities™ 37 - The Long Arm of the NO FARNSWORTH WAY, MAN

As Johnny Cash once sang, "I been everywhere, man, I been everywhere."

And of course, I haven't. But if I had, I'm pretty sure I still would never have seen anyone anatomically-equipped to be able to use this rest room effectively.

Maybe this is why women always take someone with them when they "go."

Friday, May 4, 2018

May the Fourth Be With You

Well it's one day a year
And you may think it's queer
But lots of things have happened on the fourth
A single day in May
But I'll gladly shout "Hooray!"
'Cause now I've got a blog post, of courth!

1415 - Religious reformers John Wycliffe and Jan Hus are condemned as heretics at the Council of Constance

1783 - Herschel reports seeing a red glow near lunar crater Aristarchus [Jim Beam reports seeing a red glowing nose in the middle of Herschel's face]

1814 - Bourbon reign restored in France [Not to be confused with a bourbon rain. Not sure what Jim Beam would think about that.]

1869 - Cincinnati Red Stockings play their first official game as the sport's first professional side against the Great Western Base Ball Club winning 45-9

1904 - United States begins construction on the Panama Canal

1904 - Umm Kulthum, Egyptian singer, born [I have no idea who this is. I just like imagining the scene in the hospital: "It's a boy! Congratulations! What's his name?" Ummm...]

1932 - Al Capone enters Atlanta Penitentiary convicted of income tax evasion

1944 - Gaslight, starring an 18-year-old Angela Lansbury in her film debut, is released [And was she ever a saucy young thing. You really should see it!]

1957 - Alan Freed hosts "Rock n' Roll Show" 1st prime-time network rock show

1959 - First Grammy Awards: Perry Como & Ella Fitzgerald win

1962 - Tracy Vaccaro, playmate (October, 1983), born in Glendale, California [Now hold on a minute. While I'm grateful to for being the source of all these important historical events, is this really a birthday of worldwide importance?]

1975 - Moe Howard [Moses Horowitz], American actor and comedian (The 3 Stooges), dies at 77 [Later that month, during my high school graduation, as a tribute, we all poked each other in the eye.]

1977 - Lispers everywhere are given a pun for the ages

1979 - Margaret Thatcher becomes the first woman to be elected Prime Minister of the United Kingdom

1984 - Dave Kingman's fly ball never comes down: stuck in Metrodome ceiling

2008 - Seth MacFarlane reaches an agreement worth $100 million with Fox to keep Family Guy and American Dad on television until 2012, making MacFarlane the world's highest paid television writer [A day that will live in infamy]