Friday, March 31, 2017

Almost Hotel California

Went to see former youth group member, Doug Toddless, sing at a local restaurant the other night. We talked to him before he started and found out he was suffering from a cold and a raspy throat. Amazingly, though, when he started singing, you couldn't tell at all...though Beloved and I did notice that he chose to sing a lot of lower-register songs like Elvis, Johnny Cash, and Barry White.

Between sets, I told him if anybody requested Hotel California ("Augh!" he coughed. "No way!") that I would be there to take care of the vocals for him.

Four songs into his second set, I got my chance. Problem is, I figured he would have the words to the song on the iPad he kept looking at and scrolling through. Turns out he was just keeping track of his March Madness bracket, and I was on my own to try to remember all the words.

This was my best effort...

On the dark info highway, You Tube makes me stare
Warm smell of my hard drive, data streams through the air
Up ahead on my monitor, I saw a glowing blue light
My head grew heavy and my sight grew dim
I hadn't eaten all night.
There it was on my browser; an ad for Taco Bell
And I was thinking to myself,
"I could do worse; guess I might as well"
So I searched for a coupon, 'cause I just roll that way
There were voices in my brand new earbuds
I thought I heard them say...

Welcome to where Google can inform ya
You think it's a private place? (Such a private place)
Just search for your face
Plenty of info that Google can inform ya
What you did last year (What you did last year)
You can find it here

Your mind is def'nitely twisted, both the means and the ends
You're just one of the pretty, pretty boys following trends
How they rate in the rankings, how their tags get them clicks.
Some are dancin' with the stars, some are glued to Netflix
So I called out through Twitter,
"Check out my hashtag"
They said, "We haven't been trending that since your eyes began to sag"
And still solicitors calling from far away,
Wake you up in the middle of the night
Just to hear them say...

Welcome to where Google can inform ya
You think it's a private place? (Such a private place)
Just search for your face
They livin' it up here where Google can inform ya
They get their revenue (get their revenue)
From ads they show you

Mirrors for your ceiling,
The pink champagne on ice
And I said "We are all consumers here, hey, that sure looks nice"
Got a full shopping basket,
Got some food for a feast
Got me three sets of ginsu knives,
Got 50% off, at least

Last thing I remember, I was
Told that I was poor
I had to find a way to cure
My depressing credit score
"Relax, " said the hacker,
"I can fake all the facts.
You can purchase anything you like,
Hey, babe, I got your back! "

Friday, March 24, 2017

Stupid Stories™: Alligator Shoes

When I was in my twenties (back when the Earth's crust was still cooling), I lived in Florida and worked at a shoe store, and I'll never forget one particular customer.

She was fairly good looking, which is an excellent memory aid all by itself, but the real reason she sticks in my head is because of how strongly she reacted when I told her how much the alligator shoes she was wanting would cost.

"HOW much?!!?" she screamed.

I repeated my clear, distinct reading of the price tag.

"That's ridiculous! Can't you give me some kind of discount? Isn't there a 'buy one shoe, get the second one free' thing going on?"

As calmly as possible, I replied, "I'm sorry, but no. That's the price I have to charge for those shoes."

She loudly announced that she would get her OWN pair of alligator shoes, spun around, and left in a huff. (It was a late model Huff; had a dark cherry red finish with a spoiler on the rear.)

My route home ran along a levee, and as I was enjoying the view to my right, I noticed the cranky customer, standing knee-deep in swamp water, holding a shotgun.

"Good NIGHT!" I thought, "She's really trying to get alligator shoes do-it-yourself style!"

Well, I just HAD to see this, so I pulled over to the side of the road, got out, leaned against my car's fender, and watched.

It wasn't long before I noticed a large alligator slowly swimming toward her from behind. I was about to warn her when she spun around, snapped the gun to her shoulder, and blasted the amphibian right between its eyes.

She waded over to the dead gator and pulled it to shore, where she huffed and puffed and grunted and strained to get it out of the water. Then she dragged it over to where, I just noticed, there were three or four other alligators, all belly-up in the grass.

She got down on her knees and shoved the beast onto its back, took one look at it, raised her face to the sky and screamed, "You've gotta be kidding me! THIS one is barefoot, too!"

Friday, March 17, 2017

Observed Absurdities™ 28 - He's Got a Point There

Now that I've noticed how Stephen Colbert has kind of a Spock thing going on with his right ear, I can't not see it. 

Friday, March 10, 2017

This Is Keeping Me Awake

I may be opening a can of large, unwieldy worms here...

I do not want this space to become politicized or militarized or pasteurized, but I've got an honest question about an extremely controversial, sensitive, potentially-explosive issue.

I am not joking.

What with all the gender-fluid, "I don't agree with my birth certificate", love-is-love-no-matter-what, stop-being-a-neanderthal stuph going around, I am absolutely and honestly confused about something.

What if someone identifies as the gender opposite to what his/her genitals would indicate AND is homosexual?

Friday, March 3, 2017

Pardon My Tweet

One never knows what one will see tweeted by @deweyroth, does one?

*  *  *  *  *  *  *

Actually drove in to the office today...not 2B confused with driving into the office.

My #Subway sandwich artist didn't know what the B in BLT stands for. #justsaying

#newchristmascarols He sees U when you're sleeping/He knows when you're awake/He ought 2B arrested/Just like my Uncle Jake

Trying to care about my #twitterfeed ... still trying ... Nope! Can't do it

The only thing missing is U, #StarTribune proofreader. Ack!

“@UberFacts: There are cryovolcanos which spew molten ice like volcanos do molten rock, on Pluto.” Isn't molten ice know...water?

#ForeverIsALongTime #Duh

#FullDisclosure The only thing that kept me awake in church 2day was the pain in my thighs from Saturday yard work.