Friday, December 30, 2016

Headlines Wish List - 2017

Things I would love to read as news items in the coming year.

  • Rosemount, Minnesota Has Lowest Snowfall in Recorded History
  • Fred Bassett Permanently Cancelled
  • Everything Old Is New Again: The Resurgence of Classic Rock
  • Washington DC Is Epicenter of Huge Spiritual Revival (and, like, you can tell it's for real because this isn't even an election year)
  • Netflix Is Streaming New Episodes of Firefly (but missing Ron Glass)

  • Ringo Starr Installed as Britain's New Prime Minister
  • Chicago Cubs Win World Series...Again
  • Whatever Happened to Miley Cyrus?
  • Woodchuck Union Publishes Chucked Wood Totals
  • New Weight Tables Released; 20 Over Is the New Perfect

Friday, December 23, 2016

Stupid Stories™: One Wish

I was shopping for a "white elephant" Christmas gift this week and found an old oil lamp at Goodwill that I deemed worthy.

I took it home, and as I was cleaning it up a little, an honest-to-goodness genie appeared!

"Thank you, master, for freeing me from the lamp," intoned the genie. "It is my duty and pleasure to grant you one wish."

As you can imagine, I was fairly shocked. "One wish?!?? What happened to three wishes? I thought a genie always granted three wishes! You mean to tell me that Disney's Aladdin isn't historically accurate?!?"

The genie shrugged his shoulders. "Hey, the economy's been in the dumper for a while now, you know? The union had to make concessions."

"Wow. Bummer."

"Tell me about it. So...what'll it be? Riches? Fame? A restored hairline?"

Doing my best to ignore that last suggestion, I said, "I know exactly what I want! Ever since Steve McGarrett first told Danno to "Book 'em," I've wanted to visit Hawaii. The problem is, I'm deathly afraid of flying, and just the thought of spending three days in a ship crossing the ocean makes me lose my lunch. But I like to drive, so Genie, I wish for you to build a road from California to Hawaii!"

The genie's eyes grew as big as pineapples, and he said, "Are you insane?!!? Do you realize how much concrete and asphalt that would take? And how many miles deep the pylons would have to go? Not to mention the environmental impact and needing to compensate for ocean's crazy...I just can't do it!"

I have to admit, I was a little disappointed, but I had a backup plan.

"Well, if that's too difficult for you, I've got something else I've always wanted...and I don't think it will take any manual labor on your part at all. You see...I've been married for several years, and I love my wife completely...but...well...I don't really understand her. It's not just her, mind you. All women are confusing to me. So I guess my wish would be to be able to understand women."

The genie got out a piece of paper and a pencil and asked, "How many lanes do you want on that bridge to Hawaii?"

Friday, December 16, 2016

Do You Want to Melt a Snowman?

You never know what might happen when SweetCheeks and I are together and somebody hits RECORD.

Like 98.7% of females under the age of 32, Granddaughter SweetCheeks has had "Let It Go" (from the Disney film, Below 32 Degrees) memorized for quite some time. In fact, we had just sung it together when she decided she wanted to do a different song for the camera.

And so, in the Christmas spirit of gift-giving, let me present my off-the-cuff parody, "Do You Want to Melt a Snowman?"

It's a Christmas miracle!

Friday, December 9, 2016

Christmas Song Scandal Exposed!

It's the most wonderful time of the year; the hap-happiest season of all; and yet...

When else but Christmas would you ever hear a musical reenactment of something very close to a sexual assault?

No, seriously...have you ever paid attention to the words of Baby, It's Cold Outside?

Written by Frank Loesser in 1944, and winning the Oscar for Best Original Song, Baby is a confrontational conversation between someone wanting to hold on to their virtue and someone...well...not so interested in moral purity  -  characterized in the original printed score as Mouse and Wolf.

Try to hold in your outrage as the Wolf subtly manipulates the Mouse into a resistance-wrecking state of insobriety.
I really can't stay - Baby it's cold outside
I've got to go away - Baby it's cold outside
This evening has been - Been hoping that you'd drop in
So very nice - I'll hold your hands, they're just like ice
My mother will start to worry - Beautiful, what's your hurry
My father will be pacing the floor - Listen to the fireplace roar
So really I'd better scurry - Beautiful, please don't hurry
Well maybe just a half a drink more - Put some music on while I pour

The neighbors might think - Baby, it's bad out there
Say, what's in this drink - No cabs to be had out there Are we talking roofies?!?
I wish I knew how - Your eyes are like starlight now
To break this spell - I'll take your hat, your hair looks swell I'll take your hat, your coat, your shoes, etc., etc.
I ought to say no, no, no, sir - Mind if I move a little closer
At least I'm gonna say that I tried - What's the sense in hurting my pride The old Don't You Feel Sorry For Me ploy, eh?
I really can't stay - Baby don't hold out
Ahh, but it's cold outside

I simply must go - Baby, it's cold outside
The answer is no - Ooh baby, it's cold outside
This welcome has been - I'm lucky that you dropped in
So nice and warm -- Look out the window at that storm Trying to scare the Mouse into staying
My sister will be suspicious - Man, your lips look so delicious Flattery might get you somewhere
My brother will be there at the door - Waves upon a tropical shore
My maiden aunt's mind is vicious - Gosh your lips are delicious
Well maybe just a half a drink more - Never such a blizzard before

I've got to go home - Oh, baby, you'll freeze out there
Say, lend me your comb - It's up to your knees out there
You've really been grand - Your eyes are like starlight now
But don't you see - How can you do this thing to me You see? Now it's the Mouse's fault!
There's bound to be talk tomorrow - Making my life long sorrow
At least there will be plenty implied - If you caught pneumonia and died
I really can't stay - Get over that hold out Going in for the kill. Time to seal the deal.
Ahh, but it's cold outside

And if you're interested, here's the original version from the film Neptune's Daughter, featuring Ricardo Montalban, Esther Williams, Red Skelton, and Betty Garrett:

AND BY THE WAY...what the farnsworth does this song have to do with Christmas, anyway?!!?

Friday, December 2, 2016



Out on the WorldWideWackfest!

It's a bird!

It's a plane!

It's the exact opposite of an earlier post about removing a letter to create a new movie!

  • The Godfarther  -  An organized crime boss wins an idol-tossing competition.
  • The Empire Strikes Black  -  A massive power outage on Tatooine
  • Raiders of the Lost Park  -  Indiana Jones searches for a playground in Atlantis.
  • Slaving Private Ryan  -  Human trafficking during World War II
  • The Green Smile  -  Documentary about extreme dental cases
  • Black to the Future  -  Eddie Murphy experiences time travel.
  • Dine Hard  -  A New York cop can't get a reservation in an L.A. restaurant.
  • 12 Hangry Men  -  A judge refuses to feed a jury until they come up with a verdict.
  • The Good, the Bard, and the Ugly  -  A mysterious man, a petty thief, and William Shakespeare set off to find a pot of gold.
  • This Is Spinal Tape  -  Instructional video on new surgical closure technologies
  • Walk the Liner  -  The biography of a boy who delivers makeup
  • Some Like It Shot  -  Not everyone prefers large glasses of alcohol.
  • Jawas  -  The secret life of droid scavengers
  • Troy Story  -  An animated retelling of the Trojan Horse
  • Rebar Window  -  A man confined to a wheelchair watches life from his prison cell.
  • Singing in the Train  -  A big musical set in the subway
  • Jurassic Spark  -  The creation of fire
  • The Princess Bridge  -  The royal dentist saves a smile.
  • Gone with the Wined  -  A group of drunken friends gets lost.
  • Stare Trek  -  Exploring the universe without blinking
  • Return of Them Jedi  -  The Force awakens in Kentucky.