Friday, June 24, 2016

Another Marriage Saved!

Who would have thought a sticky piece of plastic could save a marriage?

Not I...but then, how often do I think about sticky pieces of plastic at ALL?

Let me back up and explain.

Beloved and I have been married for just over 37 years. We both will tell you that they've been the 29 happiest years of our lives.

Something that has been making our lives less than happy recently has been the Richter-scale-level of my snoring. It used to be that, whenever Beloved was having trouble sleeping because of my slight nasal rattle, she would just have to say, "Dewey, you're snoring," and I would roll over onto my side and that would be the end of it. For the past several months, that has changed in a couple ways:
1) It's gotten more difficult for Beloved to get me to hear her voice over the sound of my own upper respiratory system.
2) Rolling onto my side doesn't stop the noise.

I've tried sleeping with my head raised on an incline. We've turned our bedroom fan on high to increase the white noise level. The only results have been a kink in my back and needing to use an electric afghan to stay warm (and yes, I'm talking about the dog breed).

It totally got serious the other night, when my nasal vibrations knocked Beloved out of bed. That's when I decided to put some money on the line. The next day, I trekked to our local big-box discount department store in search of the store-brand equivalent of BreatheCorrectly Nasal Strips.

And I DO mean search.

I had no idea where nasal strips would be shelved. Of course I knew enough to go to the Pharmacy/Health section of the store, but beyond that.... Sleep Aids? Nose Drops? Heck...Marital Aids?

I finally found them just under the eye drops and contact lens solution. Apparently, the store manager decided to be as anatomically correct as know...where the nose is on a person's face. 

How To Correctly Use Nasal Strips
You may be surprised to learn, as I was, that using a nasal strip involves actually stripping the nose. It seems a person's face is naturally oily enough to render the adhesive on the garden variety nasal strip ineffective. So, Step One is to use soap, water, and a flame thrower to get rid of all dirt and oil from the surface of your nose.

Let me clarify that last phrase...get rid of all dirt and oil from the OUTER surface of your nose. I missed that part in the written instructions.

Step Two is to remove the paper backing from the nasal strip, exposing the sticky part of the sticky piece of plastic mentioned in the opening of this article. Please note...this particular step is not an official part of the written instructions. I had to figure it out for myself...including which side was the know...back.

Step Three involves placing the nasal strip on the correct part of the nose and pressing for 30 seconds. It's very important to find that sweet spot called The Correct Part of the Nose. Place the nasal strip too low, and your nostrils will be flared out to your ears. Too high, and the bridge of your nose will be a fulcrum for sucking your eyeballs out of their sockets.

I strongly recommend you do a trial run of Step Three before carrying out Step Two.

*  *  *  *  *  *  *

Having navigated my way to the perfect placement of the aforementioned nasal strip, I quietly slipped into bed. I could both feel and see that my nose was, indeed, expanded to a level of openness previously enjoyed only by the sky in Montana.

Beloved experienced a deep sleep, uninterrupted by any snoring from me at all, leading her to happily unpack her luggage.

When I woke up, I realized why the nasal strip had been so effective: I had sniffed half of our electric afghan into my wide-open nose, making snoring impossible.

Friday, June 17, 2016

Farewell Fair-Weather Feathered Friend

Busy little woodpecker
Working on my wood deck or
Slowly making my maple hollow
Flighty feathered headbanger
Do you know I said "Dang!" or
Something that my grandkids should not follow?

I'm sure it won't be long til
Your percussive song will
Be heard somewhere further from my yard
'Cause as sure as kings are crowned and
Lightning streaks toward ground, man
My tree is gonna fall and fall hard

And you'll set a new precedence for
Speed of changing residence or
Bouncing back from friendship lost and gained
And soon a neighbor nearby
Will experience the fear I
Once did when in my backyard you had reigned

Friday, June 10, 2016

Indiana Solo and the Empire of Darth

This WOULD be an episode of Observed Absurdities™ except that these visual mash-ups are too cool.

"I don't care HOW big your light saber is!"

 "Death Star. Why'd it have to be a Death Star?"

Dr. Jones Takes Aim While Riding a Tauntaun

"Hey, I just met the best-looking archaeologist ever!"

"This seems to be from a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away."

Friday, June 3, 2016

Thought It Would Be Fun To Go Live, Then THIS Happened

It seems like "everybody" is doing live video these days...Periscope, FacebookLive, The News at Ten...

I thought it was high time I got it in gear and joined the masses.

However, I'm not really sure I've got the mechanics of it down yet.