Friday, December 30, 2016

Headlines Wish List - 2017


Things I would love to read as news items in the coming year.




  • Rosemount, Minnesota Has Lowest Snowfall in Recorded History
  • Fred Bassett Permanently Cancelled
  • Everything Old Is New Again: The Resurgence of Classic Rock
  • Washington DC Is Epicenter of Huge Spiritual Revival (and, like, you can tell it's for real because this isn't even an election year)
  • Netflix Is Streaming New Episodes of Firefly (but missing Ron Glass)



  • Ringo Starr Installed as Britain's New Prime Minister
  • Chicago Cubs Win World Series...Again
  • Whatever Happened to Miley Cyrus?
  • Woodchuck Union Publishes Chucked Wood Totals
  • New Weight Tables Released; 20 Over Is the New Perfect

Friday, December 23, 2016

Stupid Stories™: One Wish


I was shopping for a "white elephant" Christmas gift this week and found an old oil lamp at Goodwill that I deemed worthy.

I took it home, and as I was cleaning it up a little, an honest-to-goodness genie appeared!

"Thank you, master, for freeing me from the lamp," intoned the genie. "It is my duty and pleasure to grant you one wish."



As you can imagine, I was fairly shocked. "One wish?!?? What happened to three wishes? I thought a genie always granted three wishes! You mean to tell me that Disney's Aladdin isn't historically accurate?!?"

The genie shrugged his shoulders. "Hey, the economy's been in the dumper for a while now, you know? The union had to make concessions."

"Wow. Bummer."

"Tell me about it. So...what'll it be? Riches? Fame? A restored hairline?"

Doing my best to ignore that last suggestion, I said, "I know exactly what I want! Ever since Steve McGarrett first told Danno to "Book 'em," I've wanted to visit Hawaii. The problem is, I'm deathly afraid of flying, and just the thought of spending three days in a ship crossing the ocean makes me lose my lunch. But I like to drive, so Genie, I wish for you to build a road from California to Hawaii!"

The genie's eyes grew as big as pineapples, and he said, "Are you insane?!!? Do you realize how much concrete and asphalt that would take? And how many miles deep the pylons would have to go? Not to mention the environmental impact and needing to compensate for ocean currents...no...that's crazy...I just can't do it!"

I have to admit, I was a little disappointed, but I had a backup plan.

"Well, if that's too difficult for you, I've got something else I've always wanted...and I don't think it will take any manual labor on your part at all. You see...I've been married for several years, and I love my wife completely...but...well...I don't really understand her. It's not just her, mind you. All women are confusing to me. So I guess my wish would be to be able to understand women."

The genie got out a piece of paper and a pencil and asked, "How many lanes do you want on that bridge to Hawaii?"


Friday, December 16, 2016

Do You Want to Melt a Snowman?


You never know what might happen when SweetCheeks and I are together and somebody hits RECORD.

Like 98.7% of females under the age of 32, Granddaughter SweetCheeks has had "Let It Go" (from the Disney film, Below 32 Degrees) memorized for quite some time. In fact, we had just sung it together when she decided she wanted to do a different song for the camera.


And so, in the Christmas spirit of gift-giving, let me present my off-the-cuff parody, "Do You Want to Melt a Snowman?"



It's a Christmas miracle!


Friday, December 9, 2016

Christmas Song Scandal Exposed!


It's the most wonderful time of the year; the hap-happiest season of all; and yet...

When else but Christmas would you ever hear a musical reenactment of something very close to a sexual assault?

No, seriously...have you ever paid attention to the words of Baby, It's Cold Outside?

Written by Frank Loesser in 1944, and winning the Oscar for Best Original Song, Baby is a confrontational conversation between someone wanting to hold on to their virtue and someone...well...not so interested in moral purity  -  characterized in the original printed score as Mouse and Wolf.


Try to hold in your outrage as the Wolf subtly manipulates the Mouse into a resistance-wrecking state of insobriety.
I really can't stay - Baby it's cold outside
I've got to go away - Baby it's cold outside
This evening has been - Been hoping that you'd drop in
So very nice - I'll hold your hands, they're just like ice
My mother will start to worry - Beautiful, what's your hurry
My father will be pacing the floor - Listen to the fireplace roar
So really I'd better scurry - Beautiful, please don't hurry
Well maybe just a half a drink more - Put some music on while I pour

The neighbors might think - Baby, it's bad out there
Say, what's in this drink - No cabs to be had out there Are we talking roofies?!?
I wish I knew how - Your eyes are like starlight now
To break this spell - I'll take your hat, your hair looks swell I'll take your hat, your coat, your shoes, etc., etc.
I ought to say no, no, no, sir - Mind if I move a little closer
At least I'm gonna say that I tried - What's the sense in hurting my pride The old Don't You Feel Sorry For Me ploy, eh?
I really can't stay - Baby don't hold out
Ahh, but it's cold outside

I simply must go - Baby, it's cold outside
The answer is no - Ooh baby, it's cold outside
This welcome has been - I'm lucky that you dropped in
So nice and warm -- Look out the window at that storm Trying to scare the Mouse into staying
My sister will be suspicious - Man, your lips look so delicious Flattery might get you somewhere
My brother will be there at the door - Waves upon a tropical shore
My maiden aunt's mind is vicious - Gosh your lips are delicious
Well maybe just a half a drink more - Never such a blizzard before

I've got to go home - Oh, baby, you'll freeze out there
Say, lend me your comb - It's up to your knees out there
You've really been grand - Your eyes are like starlight now
But don't you see - How can you do this thing to me You see? Now it's the Mouse's fault!
There's bound to be talk tomorrow - Making my life long sorrow
At least there will be plenty implied - If you caught pneumonia and died
I really can't stay - Get over that hold out Going in for the kill. Time to seal the deal.
Ahh, but it's cold outside

And if you're interested, here's the original version from the film Neptune's Daughter, featuring Ricardo Montalban, Esther Williams, Red Skelton, and Betty Garrett:





AND BY THE WAY...what the farnsworth does this song have to do with Christmas, anyway?!!?

Friday, December 2, 2016

#AddALetterCreateAMovie


Look!

Out on the WorldWideWackfest!

It's a bird!

It's a plane!

It's the exact opposite of an earlier post about removing a letter to create a new movie!




  • The Godfarther  -  An organized crime boss wins an idol-tossing competition.
  • The Empire Strikes Black  -  A massive power outage on Tatooine
  • Raiders of the Lost Park  -  Indiana Jones searches for a playground in Atlantis.
  • Slaving Private Ryan  -  Human trafficking during World War II
  • The Green Smile  -  Documentary about extreme dental cases
  • Black to the Future  -  Eddie Murphy experiences time travel.
  • Dine Hard  -  A New York cop can't get a reservation in an L.A. restaurant.
  • 12 Hangry Men  -  A judge refuses to feed a jury until they come up with a verdict.
  • The Good, the Bard, and the Ugly  -  A mysterious man, a petty thief, and William Shakespeare set off to find a pot of gold.
  • This Is Spinal Tape  -  Instructional video on new surgical closure technologies
  • Walk the Liner  -  The biography of a boy who delivers makeup
  • Some Like It Shot  -  Not everyone prefers large glasses of alcohol.
  • Jawas  -  The secret life of droid scavengers
  • Troy Story  -  An animated retelling of the Trojan Horse
  • Rebar Window  -  A man confined to a wheelchair watches life from his prison cell.
  • Singing in the Train  -  A big musical set in the subway
  • Jurassic Spark  -  The creation of fire
  • The Princess Bridge  -  The royal dentist saves a smile.
  • Gone with the Wined  -  A group of drunken friends gets lost.
  • Stare Trek  -  Exploring the universe without blinking
  • Return of Them Jedi  -  The Force awakens in Kentucky.


Friday, November 25, 2016

From the Mouths of Babes


Grandsons have a way of keeping one's ego in check.

And one's sense of reality finely tuned.

Almost recently, our oldest child, AngelFace, was having a discussion with her youngest son, MisterSquishy, about her new haircut. They were commenting on how it was shorter and how it curved around her face.



This led to a general discussion about how everybody has hair.

AngelFace:  Does Daddy have hair?

MisterSquishy:  Yes!

AngelFace:  Do you have hair?

MisterSquishy:  Yes!

AngelFace:  Does Grampa Dewey have hair?

MisterSquishy:  [Scrunching up his face and tilting his head sideways]  Not that much.




Friday, November 18, 2016

Isn't It Odd That...?


...women want you to pick the restaurant to go to, as long as it's not the first three you mention?

...at four-way stops, people act like they want you to go first until you actually start moving?

...coffee can taste so good in my mouth but look so nasty on my shirt?



...those nights when you're really, really tired are the same nights you can't get to sleep...and have to be up early the next morning?

...the phrases "right on" and "left off" have nothing to do with each other?

...there is no discernible difference between Strawberry Twizzlers and Cherry Twizzlers?

...there is no discernible difference between Twizzlers and rubber tubing?

Friday, November 11, 2016

Almost Post-Election Analysis


Here we are...the Friday after the election.

The ballots are tallied. The celebrants and the mourners have all gone home.

Almost half the nation is thinking "How in the farnsworth could that have happened?!? If only there had been a better turnout. Man...I never imagined it was going to come to this."

The spin doctors are whirling feverishly.

The protesters are protesting.

The pundits are...uh...pundificating.


And Canada is thinking of building a wall.

Did I mention that I actually wrote this on October 27?

Friday, November 4, 2016

Scarier Romance, The Sequel


While doing research for last week's post (you can revisit Scary Romance by clicking here), I found some romantic movie titles that didn't have to be changed at all in order to sound like they could actually be a horror or suspense flick. Another example of how your attitude, or what your expectations are, can influence your perceptions.


This is kinda funny...and scary.


  • The Seven Year Itch
  • Baby Boom
  • Mannequin
  • Overboard
  • The Cutting Edge
  • While You Were Sleeping
  • Two Weeks Notice
  • Along Came Polly
  • Monster-in-Law
  • What Happens in Vegas
  • Ghosts of Girlfriends Past
  • The Proposal
  • Exit Strategy
  • Playing for Keeps
  • Bad Sister
  • Waiting to Exhale
  • 50 First Dates (Now THAT would freak me out.)


Friday, October 28, 2016

Scary Romance


With Halloween coming up in just a few days, it seems that every movie theater and cable channel in the world is showing movies full of horror and suspense. So much so, the supply is rapidly running short.



In an effort to keep the screams coming, I've been commissioned to remake some popular romantic comedies into scary movies. Here's my list of projects:


  • Lifeless in Seattle
  • Bridget Jones's Diary of Death
  • Moulin Gouge!
  • There's Something About Manson
  • My Best Friend's Wedding Massacre
  • How to Kill a Guy in 10 Days
  • Under the Tuscan Soil
  • 13 Going on 30: Serial Killer on the Loose
  • Nick and Norah's Infinite Hitlist
  • The Wedding Slayer
  • Pretty Dead Woman
  • You've Got a Mail Bomb
  • When Harry Stabbed Sally
  • My Big Fat Zombie Wedding


Friday, October 21, 2016

STAR WARS a la DocumentCzar


I recently constructed a dummy document to use as a demonstration on how to do some stuph at DocumentCzar that doesn't really matter and you wouldn't really care about except that it resulted in the following totally-fake procedural instructions.

9.  Implement Phase

9.1  A New Hope
     
     9.1.1  Prepare the Droids for Transport


          1.  Insert plans for Death Star into R2D2.


          2.  Record poor-quality hologram message.
          3.  Get shot by the only storm trooper in the whole Evil Empire who can actually hit the broad side of a barn.

     9.1.2  Droid Capture and Blog Download

          1.  Get transported to Uncle Owen’s Moisture Farm.
                a.  Leave a crashed escape pod, with spare parts from your self-repair kit, in plain view for storm troopers to find.
                b.  Wander through sand dunes; forgetting that, according to prequels, you can fly.
                c.  Find a band of fly-infested scavengers and let them electrocute you.
                d.  Shut down and enjoy the ride.
          2.  Download funny blogs from the WorldWideWackfest: https://almostthetruth.blogspot.com
                a.  Determine which article is desired.
                Note: There may be a long pause before understanding particular jokes.
                b.  Right-click on the webpage, click Save as in the pop-up menu, and blah, blah, blah.
                Note: (Download will take some time to complete.)
          3.  Once the download is complete:
                a.  Hear your Uncle Owen call for you.
                b.  Trot out across a barren landscape while your heroic theme plays in the background.
                c.  Whine some nonsense about power converters.

9.2  The Empire Strikes Back
    
     9.2.1  Justifying Mark Hamill’s Damaged Face

Because Mark Hamill was in a serious car crash between the filming of A New Hope and The Empire Strikes Back, his face was roughed up a bit.

          1.  Invent an ice-cave monster.
          2.  Indicate Luke’s growing compatibility with The Force by having him telekinetically retrieve his lightsaber just in time to free his feet, but not soon enough to spare his face from a good slashing.

     9.2.2  Do More Stuff But Stop in the Middle of the Story So You End Up with a Trilogy

          1.  I love you.
          2.  I know.

9.3  Return of the Jedi

Ewoks are not applicable.

Friday, October 14, 2016

Observed Absurdities™ 26 - Wait a Minute, Maid


I bought a small bottle of Minute Maid apple juice the other day and something didn't look quite right.


I am fully prepared to accept that it's just me and my warped lateral thinking process, but does anybody else take the tag line under the logo a little too literally, digestive-system-wise, to fully enjoy drinking the contents?



Friday, October 7, 2016

Almost Movie Recaps


For a few years now, I've been writing mini reports on the books I read throughout the year and publishing them on my personal FaceBook page; three volumes a year. The thought recently struck me (ouch!) that it might be interesting to do that for the movies I watch, too. But holy farnsworth! What with streaming Netflix and my insatiable hunger for popcorn, that would be a LOT of movies. I'd have to publish way more often and write recaps that are way shorter...



The Count of Monte Cristo  -  Unjustly-jailed sailor pretends to be dead to get out of prison, and pretends to be nobility to get revenge.

The Wizard of Oz  -  Illegal immigrant kills one sister, then joins with three strangers to kill the other.

No Country For Old Men  -  Psycho guy in need of a new hairstyle kills people while on trail of a ton of cash. Totally ineffective Sheriff Tommy Lee Jones retires.

Zootopia  -  Snarky cartoon animals run around and do stuff. Only memorable scene was the sloths in the DMV, which was in the film's trailer, so why did I bother to watch this?

Finding Nemo  -  Neurotic cartoon fish finds Nemo.

Finding Dory  -  Neurotic cartoon fish finds Dory. Dory finds her parents. Pixar finds a cash cow.

Bourne Identity  -  Amnesiac wreaks havoc. Some spy-types have hissy-fits.

Avatar  -  Dances With Wolves meets Ferngully.

Titanic  -  Frustrated wife gets naked for sketch artist. Also, a boat sinks.

Million Dollar Baby  -  Female Rocky, with Clint Eastwood as Burgess Meredith.

Rocky  -  Male Million Dollar Baby with...yeah, you get it.

Friday, September 30, 2016

Have You Dug Wall Drug?


Beloved and I took a trip Out West last week to spend some time with her siblings and watch the deer and the antelope play.

The trip through South Dakota on Interstate 90 is always an...uh...experience in itself.

You're driving by exits for towns with names like Reliance and Mudsludger...or, as often as not, you're driving by exits with no name at all. Seriously. There are several exit signs that just have the mile marker number and an arrow...and they lead to dirt roads. (True truth!)

And every 3.7 miles is a billboard advertising the amazing piece of Americana known as Wall Drug: home of free ice water, five-cent cups of coffee, and $47 bags of authentic jackalope pellets.


There are animatronic-wannabe mannequins lip-syncing to The Sons of the Pioneers, wall after wall of framed newspaper and magazine articles about Wall Drug, and an endless selection of pop guns, shot glasses, shirts, hats, porcelain dinosaurs, and wooden puzzles emblazoned with Wall Drug, Wall, S.D.

But wait! Let us not forget the fiberglass photo opportunities:


Several years ago, we stopped in Wall on our way back from Wyoming... with a chair strapped to the roof of our minivan.

Didn't feel out of place. At. All.   

Friday, September 23, 2016

Almost True Confessions


What with all the political wrangling and accusations swirling around, I feel the need to set a good example by laying my cards on the table and owning up to a few things about myself:




  • When I dial in for a conference call at work (DocumentCzar), and the computer voice says "At the sound of the tone, state your name and press the pound sign," I usually say "Your name".
  • While listening to the news, my brain shuts off whenever it hears the words "On Wall Street today...".
  • When giving our tiny canine-like creature (MarcoSansPolo, a practically weightless chihuahua) a bath, I secretly contemplate how easy it would be to wring his little neck and never have to pick up after him in our backyard ever again.
  • I sometimes use an online word generator (http://www.wineverygame.com) to help me play Scrabble. (The almost true part of that confession is the word sometimes.)
  • I don't really understand the popularity of Twitter.
  • I don't really give a tweet about understanding popularity.
  • I'm not really as popular as Tweety Bird.
  • Larry Bird wasn't really a fan of Conway Twitty.
  • Lady Bird was really a twit on the subway.
  • Big Bird can't fit on a subway.

Friday, September 16, 2016

Observed Absurdities™ 25 - Grammar Police Permanently Peeved


AUGH!



When a tattoo goes wrong, there's not a whole lot a person can do without the aid of a laser and a bankroll...which leads me to believe this apostrophe atrocity is going to be around for a long, long time.



Friday, September 9, 2016

The Great Minnesota Sweat-Together


Monday afternoon, Beloved and I took our lives in our hands, along with a sizable bankroll, and braved the streets and gastronomic challenges of the Minnesota State Fair.

The Weather Channel promised there would be overcast skies all day, with a decent chance for scattered showers, so we thought the final-day crowd would be slimmer than normal.

We were wrong...and not just from the viewpoint of the calorie-rich, batter-dipped, deep-fried carbohydrate bombs being passed off as food by the unending parade of vendors. There were tons of people, some weighing close to a ton individually, on almost every square foot of horizontal surface.



We carefully tip-toed our way to what passed for a line of people waiting to purchase different seafood offerings from a place called Giggles. Beloved had her palate poised to enjoy what Giggles calls a "Boatload of Perch", but what the picture on the menu board made clear was three small filet in a tiny paper basket. We'll never know what it was really like, because after the 15 minutes it took for the barely-dressed gal in front of us to decide which authentically-crafted beer she wanted in a souvenir plastic cup, we were told that Giggles had run out of perch...but we could have a crab cake if we'd like.

No...we would not like.

Beloved settled for a bowl of Greek-flavored chicken and rice from Flavored Chicken & Rice in a Bowl. (Okay, that wasn't the real name of the place, but it should have been.) Me? I tried one of this year's new offerings: SpamCurds.



I've found a new fair favorite; worthy of piling up next to Australian Batter-Dipped Potatoes with Ranch and Cheese. These little cubes are lightly breaded with a crisp burst of flavor that perfectly complements the marvelous mystery of Spam®.


*  *  *  *  *  *  *

Now, go back to the 4th paragraph and revisit the phrase "barely-dressed gal."

First, what an interesting oxymoron barely dressed is.

Second, the gal in front of us in line, with her napkin of a top and sliver of denim of a bottom, was in no way an anomaly in the crowd. Between cover-ups that didn't and pantyhose posing as leggings posing as pants, there was nowhere safe for my eyes to focus except for my ever-expanding belly. Beloved just grabbed my hand and tried to keep me from running into people.

Ha! Fat chance!

Friday, September 2, 2016

A Grumpy Old Man Makes a Grocery Run - No Wait - Walk


Before you get all distracted by wondering who the grumpy old man in this tale is, let me just lay it on the table for you...it's me.

Earlier this week, on my way to work, I made what I was planning to be a quick stop in the big box food retailer's establishment near my home. I just wanted to run in and pick up a couple things to include with my packed lunch.

But my expectation of a fast trip in and out was quickly dashed against the rocks of reality.

On my way to Aisle 7, I was stopped dead in my tracks by the sight of an unexpected site...an M & M's Halloween display.



Did I mention this was earlier this week...as in the 31st of August?

I had to pull out my phone to check the date and make sure I wasn't two months late to work.

A less-startling diversion was this t-shirt. I am especially fond of Chewbacca's designation.



Having chosen my items, I hurried to the checkout lanes where a man was leisurely scanning his items in the single self-service lane (as in Only One Out Of The Four Available) and a fine, upstanding woman-of-a-certain-age was just sliding into the single cashier-operated lane (as in Only One Out Of The Twelve Available).

"No worries," thought I, "I'll just stand here between the two and go to the first one available."

I should have pulled up a chair.

The cashier made quick work of sliding the woman's few items over the scanner and announcing the total, but the shopper then emptied her sizable purse onto the conveyor belt in search of her pocketbook.

I glanced at the self-service guy and wondered why he kept making trips from his scanning station to the little wastebasket at the supervisor's kiosk...which had no supervisor supervising at it.

The woman found her pocketbook and started counting out her cash.

The self-service guy unwrapped a package of tortillas and made a chicken-bacon-ranch wrap to sustain himself on his multiple treks back and forth to the wastebasket.

The woman determined she didn't have enough cash and emptied her pocketbook onto the conveyor belt in search of her debit card.

The self-service guy called someone to ask his or her opinion on the brand of mustard he was about to run over the scanner.

The woman realized she forgot something on her shopping list and scurried off in the direction of the gluten-free section.

The self-service guy kept yelling "What?!?" into his phone.

One of the two items I had picked up passed its expiration date.


*  *  *  *  *  *  *

Good thing I recently got a smart phone...I'm posting this while I'm still waiting.

Friday, August 26, 2016

Purple Passion


When a restless group of students plead with you to tell them a particular story over and over again, you begin to think that:
          1. It's a pretty good story.
          2. You're a pretty good storyteller.
          3. These kids really need to get a life.



In order for you to be able to decide  for yourself the validity of any of those statements, I offer you the favorite Stupid Story™ of most cast members from the last 16 years of Giant Step Theatre...Purple Passion.


Friday, August 19, 2016

Dakota Chautauqua Bloopers


Last week was the 12th time I'd spent a week in Farmington, Minnesota, performing scenes and songs written by Pete Martin and Eric Peltoniemi (and even a few by me!) in a little production called Dakota Chautauqua. It began as a way to commemorate the sesquicentennial (150th anniversary) of the founding of Dakota County, Minnesota. It has continued as a way to promote Dakota City Heritage Village and the Dewey Roth Sweat-Your-Way-To-Your-Perfect-Weigh weight loss plan.

Of course the hitch to the whole weight loss thing is all the fair food I ate throughout the week (which ends up sounding like the 12 days of Christmas): 32 ounces of fresh cut fries, 1/3 pound Angus burger, one-and-a-half servings of deep-fried cheese curds, two waffle cones, two roasted potatoes (with bacon and cheese), one Pronto Brat, a root beer float, and a New Zealand Breakfast Meat Pie.

The show itself was stuffed full of the weird and goofy things that make Minnesota and its overwhelmingly Scandihoovian residents...how shall we say it...unique.

For example:

  • Norway vs. Sweden: The Lutefisk Controversy (white sauce or butter?)
  • Spam
  • "Doncha know"
  • Moonshine-makin' mamas



  • An obsession with Paul Bunyan
  • Arsonist, thief, and murderer: Marjorie Congdon Leroy Caldwell Hagen
  • The total fabrication of St. Urho (Giving Finns a reason to drink the bars dry the day before St. Patrick's Day)

As for the bloopers mentioned in this post's title?

You should have been there for the opening night performance when the whole cast totally blew the words of the closing song, which  -  appropriately enough  -  was titled "Uffda!" We just stood there shaking our heads at one another and repeating the word "uffda", but with none of the other lyrics intact.



Not to mention my mini panic attack every performance because I could never guarantee whether I would say the scripted "We keep the chicken-heads out of Wisconsin and they keep the margarine out of Minnesota" or if "marmalade" would inexplicably spring from my lips instead. 

Oh wait...I guess I DID mention it.

Gotta love live theater.

Friday, August 12, 2016

Observed Absurdities™ 24 - Say What?


I really have no words for this.

Too bad the guy pictured here couldn't say the same.


If anyone should be feeling shame, it's not the people trying to read this add.

Friday, August 5, 2016

...You Just May Have A Problem


Time to self-evaluate:

If you refuse to go through a four-way stop when there are any other cars present...you just may have a problem.



If you think it's important to decide whether you want ketchup or catsup...you just may have a problem.

If you can remember the words to the SuperChicken theme song, but not where you put your glasses...

If it takes you longer to pee than to sing the national anthem...

If you order an Angus Three-Cheese & Bacon sandwich and large Curly Fries at Arby's, and consider NOT getting a cherry turnover with it a weight-loss methodology...you just may have a  problem.

Friday, July 29, 2016

25 or 6 to WHAAAT?!?


There are certain songs in the Rock-N-Roll Universe that are semi-famous for being semi-incomprehensible. Whether it's an issue of the vocalist being so mumble-mouthed that the words themselves can't be understood (Can you say, "Louie Louie"?), or the lyricist being so strung-out on a violation of the Controlled Substance Act, the general populace is stumped when asked what-the-farnsworth the song is about.

One such song is 25 or 6 to 4, a 1970 hit for the rock/jazz fusion band Chicago, written by band member, Robert Lamm. Is it an ode to illegal drugs? Is it a tribute to chaos theory? Is it the result of a roomful of monkeys pounding on a typewriter?



As a public service, and to impress my readers with how insightful and wise I am, allow me to definitively interpret this musical mystery...right here and right now.

Waiting for the break of day
(The sun hasn't risen yet)
Searching for something to say
(I'm trying to think of something to write)
Dancing lights against the sky
(Oh look! The aurora borealis!)
Giving up I close my eyes
Sitting cross-legged on the floor
(I can't do this. I think I'll just sit here and meditate.)
Twenty five or six to four
(It'll be 4 o'clock in 25 or 26 minutes.)


Staring blindly into space
(Looking up without really seeing anything)
Getting up to splash my face
Wanting just to stay awake
(Maybe if I get up and splash some water on my face I'll become more alert.)
Wondering how much I can take
(I'm not sure I can handle much more of this.)
Should have tried to do some more
(I should have tried harder to write something.)
Twenty five or six to four
(3:35 or 3:34 AM)

Feeling like I ought to sleep
(Maybe I should just catch some zees.)
Spinning room is sinking deep
(I'm so tired, I feel kinda dizzy.)
Searching for something to say
(But I really need to get a song written)
Waiting for the break of day
(Dude...is the sun ever going to rise?)
Twenty five or six to four
(Does anybody really know what time it is?)
Twenty five or six to four
(Does anybody really care?)


Friday, July 22, 2016

Temporary Bachelordom


Beloved left yesterday morning for a brief visit back home again in Indiana. (A friend's son is getting married.) That means I've got plans:



  • Open that last can of Skyline Chili and indulge myself.
  • Twice daily, tell myself that I really ought to vacuum and dust the house.
  • Watch movies in which people get chased, suspense gets built, and things get blown up.
  • Pray that it rains so I won't feel guilty about not painting the deck.
  • Sleep soundly...and by that I mean make as much noise while I sleep as I care to.
  • Spend the last 17 minutes before Beloved's return running through the house picking up debris.



Friday, July 15, 2016

I Wonder As I Wander


I've got some questions for you...



Does ANYbody follow the Repeat part of the Lather. Rinse. Repeat. shampoo instructions?

When a nun gets undressed, is she uninhabited?

Shouldn't there have been a live-action, big-screen adventure movie based on the 1960's animated TV show Jonny Quest by now?



Is it possible to retroactively be awarded all the naps I refused to take as a child? (Please?)

What makes a highway high? And is it really safe to drive the high way?

Why in the name of all that is decent do newspapers continue to publish unfunny dreck like Fred Basset and not realize that #FredBassetMustDie?



Word Origins: Was a case of hiccups involved in the creation of the word hickey?

Would there be any digestive difference between eating an ear of sweet corn and swallowing several tiny balls of steel wool?