Friday, April 24, 2015

Lying for Fun and Profit

If no one gives you a job, create one for yourself.

Okay...maybe that's the answer to my ongoing search for full-time employment. And because I've got a bit of experience in writing, both fiction and fact, why not meld the two and create historical...and perhaps hysterical...fiction with actual factual humans as the main characters?

Robert J. Randisi did it with his Rat Pack Mystery novels (which I've touched on before, as you can read about here). Daniel Klein did it with his series of books that starred Elvis Presley as a singing sleuth: Such Vicious Minds; Viva Las Vengeance; Kill Me Tender; Blue Suede Clues.

The idea is, instead of inventing an original fictional character, I can write stories about a real person, using that person's characteristics and idiosyncrasies...and call it a work of original fiction.

Let's see...what other dead person's legacy can I cannibalize?

John Lennon: Crime Scene Investi-Tenor (CSI: Liverpool)
During the Beatles' second set at the Cavern, one of the adoring fans stopped breathing. Everyone assumed it was a medical issue until John noticed a discolored spot on the back cover of her autograph book. She had been poisoned, and John refused to either twist OR shout until he found out who decided, Got to Get You Out of My Life.

Subsequent titles in the series:

  • Here Comes the Hearse
  • Sgt. Pepper's Stopped Hearts Club Band
  • Help! I Killed Somebody
  • Baby's in Black and I'm in the Morgue

Benjamin Franklin: Poor Richard's Medical Examiner
Philadelphia's seamstresses are dying. Philosopher, patriot, diplomat, inventor, scientist, and bon vivant man about town, Benjamin Franklin, is called into action to keep the corpses from piling any higher in this historical thriller, A Stitch in Time Killed Nine.

Follow-up titles:

  • Early to Bed; Early to Die
  • Death and Taxes
  • An Ounce of Prevention; a Pound of Curare

Abraham Lincoln: Tall, Dark, and Psychic

Buddy Holly and the Sticky Cricket Wicket
(Ha! Get it? His band's name was The Crickets! Sigh...yeah, okay...shutting up now.)

Friday, April 17, 2015

Almost the Truthlets, the Eighth

If these snippets of inanity seem slightly familiar, you just may be following the Almost the Truth(TM) Publishing FaceBook page. If they don't, you're probably not, but you should, so they will.

This may just be a rumor, but we heard that the world came to an end 14 years ago...the present is all a dream that Stephen King had in 1997.

When the laxative kicks in, the tough get going.

Well, drop me from a tree and call me a nut!

And the Emmy goes to...the Enny...which leads inevitably to the Ohhy...

All have grinned and called sport the story that's odd.

With apologies, I admit that when someone says Wednesday is "Hump Day," my first thought has nothing to do with camels.

An apple a day keeps the doctor interested in investing in orchards.

Dear Sherlock,
If the game's a foot, then what is my hand?
Thank you.

All hood's rings must come from a hand.

If you can't stand the heat, move to Minnesota.

I now own won one.

Question everything! Except this instruction...THAT you have to adhere to unswervingly. (Hmmm...)

Come and listen to my story 'bout a man named Jed, with ears so huge they were named Ned and Fred.

Why does Superman wear his underpants on the outside of his tights?

"Certainly, you can't be serious."
"I AM serious, and don't call me Certainly."

We gather together to stuff all our faces
For turkey and taters we gladly give thanks
We lay down right after, piled high to the rafters
And promise to diet, or buy bigger Spanks.

I am just a poor boy, though my story' wait...that's about it.

Said the Benihana chef to the Texas griller, "Do you sear what I sear?"

City sidewalks, busy sidewalks, slicked with a win-ter-y mix; as the lawyers rush out with liability suits

It ain't what it ain't.

You must remember this, a kiss is...uhhh...errr...wait a minute, I knew it just a second ago...

A recent study shows that I don't eat nearly as many CornNuts as I'd like.

I have a hard time not snickering whenever the gas station convenience-store clerk asks, "Did you have gas?"

I'm not a smart man, but I know what Dr. Pepper is. I could make a good float, Jennay.

E = em seen on its side

Weather tonight...dark. Continued dark throughout the evening with widely scattered light in the morning. -George Carlin

No one cares what your lunch looks like. ‪#‎TrueTruth

Fantastic - (noun) Brand name for an electric air-moving device that can be stretched into limitless shapes.

When given the choice between good or best, always go for AND instead of OR.

There's a bright, golden haze on the meadow...somebody should call the fire department.

Friday, April 10, 2015

Create a Caption's Last Hurrah

In the not-too-distant past, the Almost the TruthTM Publishing FaceBook page, as part of its weekday schedule, The Morning Games,  featured Create a Caption Fridays. The deal was, the page would post a photo and the adoring public would exercise its sense of humor by creating crazy captions for said photo...resulting in a splendid time being guaranteed for all.

As the initial red-hot levels of interest and participation waned, the page editors decided to change Fridays to Earworm Fridays and recently began to post YouTube videos of songs that will generally stick in a person's head all weekend long. (For a description of what the other Morning Games are, go to the page and read all about it.)

The reason I bring all of this up today is because I've got some left-over pictures that never had their turn in the limelight. Here they are, with an example of what jumps into my mind when I see them. Feel free to add your own worthy thoughts to the mix.

 "Okay, Number Seven, show me what you've got. Impress me."

 "When I said 'get down here this instant,' this is NOT what I meant!"

 "Do you seriously expect ME to clean this up?!!?"

 "Come OWT, you evil spirit! I rebyoooook yu!"

 "Then again, many people do go both ways."

"Wait! Was that your husband?"

"Hi that a FISH sandwich?"

 "Hey, Bubba, hows about y'all hop in the back and we'll tear this place up?"

 "Okay, Grampa, this time you pull MY finger."

Friday, April 3, 2015

Amazing Declarations of Truth: #4 Will Rock Your World

Not everyone knows everything...itself a declaration of truth, though not necessarily amazing...but the following bits of True Truth have apparently escaped the notice of almost everyone but me. Consider this list a public service, aimed toward the betterment of mankind in general and the betterment of the life of this man writing these words in particular.

1.  Parking spaces in parking lots are meant for cars, not shopping carts.

2.  Skin-tight leggings are not pants. No sane person wants to see your tush's vaccination scar while you're walking the mall.

3.  Yellow or amber traffic lights do not indicate "Floor it, Wilbur!"

4.  That rectangular thing in your pocket can actually be used as a phone to talk to people without using your typing skills or yelling like a third grader on the playground.

5. Gentlemen...there's a reason why the seat of a toilet in a public rest room is able to be lifted. If you're not going to be sitting on it, it should not be used for target practice...especially when your aim is so very, very poor.

6.  Speaking of public rest rooms...sinks have drains; counter tops do not.

7.  One does not have to wait until one's purchase is rung up to begin to fish in one's handbag for what one believes to be a coupon or competitor's ad...or method of payment.