Friday, June 27, 2014

This Stripper Is Workin' It

Boom, chicka-wow, chicka-wow-wow...

Friday, June 20, 2014

MY FIRST TIME: Episode Six: For your dining pleasure...

Finally...the sixth and final installment in the saga of my first cross-cultural mission experience. To get caught up on the whole sordid story, visit these previous posts:
*  *  *  *  *  *  *
One fear that many travelers express is the relative quality and exotic nature of the local cuisine. It’s one thing to sleep on an air mattress on a dirt floor, or have to push your vehicle out of a muddy mountain trail, but being asked to eat onion sandwiches or boiled slug stew can push some people over the edge.

The good news for us on our first trip to Panama was that we were offered a very tasty chicken and rice dish for every meal.

The bad news for us on our first trip to Panama was that we were offered a very tasty chicken and rice dish for every meal.

Seriously…we ate so much chicken and rice…one of the members of our group started involuntarily scratching the ground with his feet and clucking.

Fortunately, the food settled well with everyone and contrary to anyone’s expectations there wasn’t a single incident of Montezuma’s Revenge during the whole trip.


Having completed our ten days of digging ditches and teaching Bible lessons through an interpreter, we drove the six hours back to Panama City. On our way to the airport we passed a Domino’s Pizza. Without warning or collusion, all twelve of us shouted, “Stop the van!”

That pepperoni and sausage never tasted so good…nor moved so fast through each and every one of us.

Sure made the flight home…um…interesting.

Friday, June 13, 2014


I've been keeping busy burning up the Twitterverse with my lightening-quick wit and guffaw-inducing banter (please follow me, @deweyroth). Hold on tight for the following recap.

  • UberFacts: The Malay word for "water" is "air."” Kinda like naming a dog "Kitty"
  • Factsionary: A plant in Australia can kill U if U touch it. It’s called Dendrocnide moroides.” Makes me a little sick just pronouncing it
  • UberFacts: The character for Luke Skywalker was originally written as a girl.” George Lucas used to be a girl?!?!
  • Factsionary: 4oily skin, mash 1banana w/tsp of honey & 2 dropslemon juice. Apply 2face 4 10 minutes, rinse” but i don't WANT oily skin!
  • UberFacts: The United States is actually the serial killer capital of the world.” We're Number One! We're Number One!
  • UberFacts: Making intentionally offensive and menacing comments on Twitter is a crime.” that sounds like a threat to me
  • UberFacts: Snail’s venom is a non-addictive pain-killer 1000x stronger than Morphine” But it takes 3 days to kick in
  • Factsionary: Crocodiles have no lips and can hold their breath for an hour.” so if you want 2 hold your breath longer, cut off your lips
  • UberFacts: If you hold your car's remote to your head, it will extend the range.” of your remote, or of your head?
  • UberFacts: The average healthy human farts about 14 times a day.” Insert joke about your relative health here.
  • UberFacts: Smoking can cause your nipples to fall off.” Who CARES about tar-filled lungs? THIS will get folks to stop!
  • UberFacts: In the U.S, there are more cellphones actively being used than there are people” so what...are dogs texting each other now?
  • Factsionary: William Shakespeare died on his birthday.” So...wait...he was stillborn?
  • UberFacts: There are more germs crawling on your body right now than there are people in the US” maybe cuz I have 0 people crawling on me?
  • UberFacts: Mike Tyson caught his wife in bed with Brad Pitt in the 1980s.” & yet, Brad Pitt still lives??!?
  • UberFacts: You're more creative when you are tired.” Creative apparently is the same thing as slap-happy.
  • UberFacts: Betty White is older than sliced bread.” ...and also goes well with apple butter
  • Factsionary: 6-year-old boy from China was born w/15 fingers&16 toes. He had surgery to remove the extra digits.” He was born 6 yrs old?!?
  • UberFacts: A chicken named Mike lived for a year and a half without his head.” Also served as a U.S. Senator
  • UberFacts: Most cigarettes contain “ambergris” (whale vomit) for added flavor.” I can't imagine gagging whales 4 a living.
  • Factsionary: Men are more likely than women 2dream about sex” THERE'S a big su--that's an inCREDible--I'll probably DIE from that surprise!

  • Factsionary: Marilyn Monroe had six toes.” So? So do 4 more!
  • UberFacts: There is a lake named "Lake Disappointment" in Australia.” Sorry to hear that.
  • UberFacts: The average American consumes about 7 pounds of potato chips every year.” I had a great year last month.
  • UberFacts: Octopuses are very smart -- They can use their tentacles to unscrew the lid of a jar.” This is the standard for intelligence?
  • UberFacts: Studies have found that marijuana use does not actually lower the IQ of teens” nothin from nothin leaves nothing
  • UberFacts: About 86,000 people go to the ER after tripping over their cat or dog each year.” They do it each year? Wise UP, people!
  • UberFacts: There Rmore barrels of Bourbon in KY than there are people.” How many barrels of people ARE there in Kentucky?
  • UberFacts: Seals sleep with only half their brain at a time.” Welcome to my world...asleep...awake...whenever

Friday, June 6, 2014

What "Let It Go" Is Really Saying

At first, I was blown away by Idina Menzel's performance of the song "Let It Go", from the Disney film, Frozen. (File the last eight words of the previous sentence under "Totally Unneeded Explanation".) The song, written by Kristen Anderson-Lopez and Robert Lopez, builds and soars and explodes with emotion. But after 387 cover versions by everyone from African choirs who have never seen snow to foul-mouthed college students desiring to ditch final exams, my admiration has worn thin.

When I started seeing clips of sweet, tiny, preteen princess wannabees wailing away, I wondered about what they were really saying...what is this can't-get-away-from-it song actually factually talking about...what are these innocent Disney-lovers declaring?

It's not pretty, folks.

Here is the original lyric, with my explanatory notes:

The snow glows white on the mountain tonight
Not a footprint to be seen [I've run away from my problems and no one can follow me]
A kingdom of isolation
and it looks like I'm the queen [Just call me Kermit the Hermit; Napoleon AloneAgain]

The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside
Couldn't keep it in, heaven knows I tried [My lack of maturity is wreaking meteorologic havoc.]

Don't let them in, don't let them see
Be the good girl you always have to be
Conceal, don't feel, don't let them know
Well, now they know [My parents' attempt to have me toe the line and subjugate my emotions have failed in an epic manner.]

Let it go, let it go
Can't hold it back anymore
Let it go, let it go
Turn away and slam the door [I am SO outta here!]
I don't care what they're going to say
Let the storm rage on [It doesn't matter what the people I used to love think about any of this.]
The cold never bothered me anyway [As long as it feels right to me, it's all good.]

It's funny how some distance makes everything seem small
And the fears that once controlled me can't get to me at all [From up here on this mountain, my adoring subjects look like ants, so there's no need to worry about how my actions affect them.]
It's time to see what I can do
To test the limits and break through
No right, no wrong, no rules for me
I'm free [I don't need their silly, repressive ethics. I am an independent woman!]

Let it go, let it go
I am one with the wind and sky [The Earth is my mother. Mere mortals mean nothing to me.]
Let it go, let it go
You'll never see me cry [No regrets from here on, baby.]
Here I stand and here I'll stay
Let the storm rage on [Neener-neener. YOLO]

My power flurries through the air into the ground [I can make it snow!]
My soul is spiraling in frozen fractals all around [The core of who I am as a person is like a sleet tornado.]
And one thought crystallizes like an icy blast
I'm never going back, the past is in the past [I'm never going to actually deal with my relationship issues.]

Let it go, let it go
And I'll rise like the break of dawn [The acceptance of my awesome power is unstoppable!]
Let it go, let it go
That perfect girl is gone [When I'm good, I'm good; but when I'm bad, I'm better.]
Here I stand in the light of day [I can see clearly now...]
Let the storm rage on
The cold never bothered me anyway
[Screw them all! It's all about ME now! Bwa-ha-ha-haaaa!]

[To hear the author read this post, click here.]