Friday, January 25, 2013

Big Brother Cracks Down

At Big Brother, Inc., they keep a fairly tight leash on just where a worker can wander on the World Wide Wackfest. No social media sites like MyBook or FaceSpace. No streaming media like MeTube or the MyTunes Store.

And if one of us poor, unfortunate souls should attempt to enter where es ist verboten, we are greeted with a browser screen telling us no uncertain words.

A while back, I was wanting to create a message at, and instead of allowing me ANY kind of creative self-expression whatsoever, Big Brother, Inc. greeted me with the following:

Can you read that? The reason given for blocking the site is because it is deemed to be "Tasteless."


I can just hear it. Some veddy-veddy proper chap sitting in a judgement seat making Important Decisions: "I say, Reginald, this just won't do. Bad form, to be sure; bad, bad form. Perhaps if there were more earth tones, but this site is utterly pedestrian."

What's next? I won't be allowed to eat lunch at the local gas station? Like, all of a sudden, anything from a roller grill is toxic?

Okay...bad example.

Friday, January 18, 2013

If knowledge is power, you are about to become invincible

Thanks go to the Bathroom Readers' Institute, and Uncle John's Bathroom Reader, for the following random acts of factosity.

  • Humans have 46 chromosomes; potatoes have 48.
  • Most of South America is east of New York City
  • "Tooth Fairy" is a registered trademark of Colgate.
  • The only animals that can get leprosy: humans and armadillos.
  • The higher an orange grows on its tree, the more Vitamin C it contains.
  • French fries are the most-commonly-requested item for death-row inmates' final meal. (Don't they know those things are bad for your health?!?)
  • Women who regularly eat breakfast cereal before pregnancy are 87% more likely to have a boy.
  • In China, it is considered rude to suck on your chopsticks. (But it's hilarious to tell someone to go do that.)
  • Collectively, New York City cab drivers travel more than a million miles a day.
  • The ancient Egyptians used crocodile-dung suppositories as contraceptives. (Totally makes sense. It's hard to get pregnant when your partner is running away from you holding his nose.)

Friday, January 11, 2013

Observed Absurdities™ 7 - Bras Are Not Billfolds

I am bewitched, bemused, and befuddled as to what led this business establishment to establish this business practice. They must get a lot of customers who are pole dancers or guys from Chippendale's...

Friday, January 4, 2013

The Saga of the Christmas Tree Stand

'Twas early December, and all through the house, I searched and searched for the Christmas tree stand that used to be used with our third, and smallest, tree...

We hadn't set up the third tree for at least a couple years, but Beloved decided she wanted it up this time around. So, I pulled the artificial thing down from its shelf in the garage. I was fairly certain I had seen its stand, last year, in the refrigerator box in which we store our largest tree.

My certainty holds no sway over reality.

The stand was not in the refrigerator box. It was not in the box with the tree itself. It was not in the garage. I was NOT. IN. THE. GARAGE.

Oh well, how much could it cost to buy a replacement, right?

Having traveled to three different retail outlets before finding a single replacement stand for an artificial tree, I discovered the answer to that question:  $12.89

With the new stand purchased and the instruction sheet deciphered, our holiday season was appropriately graced by a third fake evergreen, making our basement family room a wonder to behold.
*  *  *  *  *  *  *
With our annual celebration of Jesus' birth over, the ornaments were nestled all snug in their cartons, the strings of lights formed into the traditional wad, and the trees disassembled and squeezed into their boxes.

When attempting to return the smallest tree to its shelf in the garage, I had some trouble. There was something blocking the way; keeping me from sliding the box all the way to the wall.

You guessed it...I found the original tree stand...which had, obviously, come to life and did a hide-and-seek routine with me in order to play with my mind. (It must like small toys.)