Leader Wants to Restart Nuclear Plants
Japan Prime Minister Yoshihiko Noda said he plans to begin with the radioactive rhododendron and move on to uranium-rich nasturtiums later in the year.
New DWI Tester Called Flawed
In related news, the marketing manager for the company that produces the new tester was summarily fired today.
Man Critical After Gunshot to Head
"He used to be so friendly and positive," said the man's wife, "Always looked on the bright side of things, you know? But ever since he got shot in the head, it's one complaint after another."
Australia Creating World's Largest Marine Reserves
Apparently, the plan is to feed them chocolate shakes, french fries, and double portions of red meat, coupled with very little physical activity.
Board Member Raps Scouts' Gay Policy
"Well I'm talkin' 'bout the Scouts and the things they're standin' for
Some stuff you gotta know if you're comin' through our door
We be manly men, yeah, you hear what I say
If you wanna be a Scout, then you can't be gay"
Republican Legislators Take Ritchie to Task
Apparently, he couldn't call a taxi or anything.
Troubled New York Hospitals Forgo Coverage for Malpractice
In a joint press conference, hospital administrators said, "We had a hard choice to make. We couldn't provide both coverage and malpractice. We had to choose one or the other, so we went with what we're better at."
China Sends First Woman Into Space
...however, it is still a mystery as to how they obtained Eve in the first place.
Obama Seen Bouncing Back from Tough Stretch
Now THERE'S a photo opportunity!