Friday, June 29, 2012

Do These Three Words Really Go Together?

Depending on your age and level of immersion into ancient popular culture, you may or may not know anything about Allan Sherman. He was to semi-classical music and The American Songbook what Weird Al Yankovic is to rock-n-roll. If you've heard anything at all from him, it most probably is his song that reached Number 2 on the Billboard Hot 100 chart in the summer of 1963, "Hello Muddah, Hello Faddah." For the uninitiated, or just for fun, here's a video:

My parents, FlatulenceKing and SweaterGal, had two Allan Sherman records in the family LP collection...which may account for more than half of my warped sense of humor. I count it as a cause for pride that I can still sing "The Drinking Man's Diet" from memory.

One song of Mr. Sherman's was a parody of "Chim Chim Cheree" and included a reference to an advertising campaign for the laundry detergent, Cheer: "What does that blue magic whitener do? Does it make blue things white, or make white things blue?"

I was reminded of that particular lyric from that particular song by that particular artist because of three particular words that jumped out at me from one of those "interesting" catalogs I've been getting lately:

Electric Bikini Trimmer

I'm not really sure how those three words are supposed to relate to each other.

Is this an electric trimmer for bikinis, or are there electric bikinis out there that need to be trimmed?

Friday, June 22, 2012

This Is Not My Fault

Every weekday morning, my FaceBook status becomes a sort of trivia game. On Mondays it's Film's First Lines...I post the first line of dialog from a movie and the goal is for one of my friends to comment on the status with the title of the movie in which the line is spoken (or, in the case of "My mind is clearer now," from Jesus Christ Superstar, sung). Tuesdays are TV Theme Songs. Thursdays, Name That Tune, and Fridays, Film's Final Lines.

Wednesdays are a different kind of treat in that I post a picture...usually cropped in a way to make it a bit cryptic...and the task is to identify who or what the picture is, or from whence it sprang forth.

On a recent Wednesday, the thread of comments took on a level of chaos unreached before in the annals of FaceBookology. Herewith...the picture in question and the unedited "flow" of comments that followed. The names have not been changed because none of these goobers are innocent.

Drew Foster bugs bunny cartoon
Dewey Roth Yeah...but our judges were hoping for something a little more specific...
Drew Foster umm...bugs bunny cartoon the one with the wet paint
L J Sam Helgerson DF -- Yeah. The one with the wet paint. That's my favorite of ALL the Bugs Bunny cartoons--except for the ones with Pete Puma. Gotta love wet paint. (C'mon Dewey, muscle the judges into giving a prize to Drew).
Alley Long Willis ^ yes, the judges are getting a little picky these days. He's like Lucy with the football, and we're all Charlie Brown.
Dewey Roth Wow...usually the judges are pretty laid back, but they're really giving me a hard time on this one. They say they're willing to give Drew an Audacity Certificate for thinking he could get away with such a generic response. They are also willing to release Hint #1: Those are Elmer Fudd's toes.
Drew Foster ok..bugs bunny cartoon, the one where elmer fudd gets wet paint on his toes
Paul Hattouni wasn't this the Bugs Bunny cartoon that was playing on the Titanic when it sunk? Just before Aliens invaded and are up all our Fried Green Tomatoes near the Win Dixie?
L J Sam Helgerson PH -- No, Paul, I think this was the one where Elmer Fudd chased Bugs Bunny to Pandora where Bugs was helping Charleton Heston lead the Screen Actor's Guild across the Green Screen of Death.
Dewey Roth Paul...are you on medication?
Drew Foster I don't know, but I like where he is going
Paul Hattouni Dewey - always, :( They just sometimes have undocumented side affects.
Paul Hattouni LJ - no no no. This is the one playing on Ed Sullivan while the Rolling Stones played the theme from Close Encounters of the 3rd Kind.
Alley Long Willis Yes, yes! And then Rocky Balboa storms in and knocks out Elmer Fudd. Then Bugs Bunny and the cast of Glee break out into "We are the Champions."
Dewey Roth Okay, people...FOCUS!!! Hint #2: Tonsorial talents gone awry.
Paul Hattouni Pffft....our story is now more fun than the guessing Dewey! lol.
Drew Foster Oh my goodness, if this was Jeopardy..I would have won by now
Paul Hattouni ...and then Daffy Duck shows up with Godzilla who eats part of Elmers shoe. And then the Ghostbusters paint his toes so Jaws won't eat them.
Paul Hattouni (in other words, Dewey.....we have no clue!!)
Alley Long Willis ...and then Harry Potter cries out "Expeliarmus!" and Elmer's shot gun goes flying away from him and a dragon swoops down and snatches the shotgun away. All the while, Hedwig delivers a very important letter to Foghorn Leghorn.
Drew Foster I really don't know who all you people are (cuz I live in Idaho) but I like the way you think!!!
Paul Hattouni Maybe that's not really a foot at all, but an Idaho spud with ketchup on it!
Dewey Roth Somewhere along the way here, I've lost the will to live. but I've gained a posting for my humor blog, Almost the Truth!
Paul Hattouni oh!! Good Will Hunting?
Dewey Roth Hint #3: The title includes the name of a city in Spain and is a parody of an opera by Rossini.
Drew Foster rabbit of seville
Paul Hattouni Les Miserables de Madrid
Dewey Roth Our judges have collapsed on the floor, gasping for breath, but have managed the strength to award Drewcifer OfCOURSEiDidn'tGoogleAnything Foster a set of hair trimmers and a large cannon!
L J Sam Helgerson Carmen Ghia?
Paul Hattouni *** applause ***
Alley Long Willis ah man, does this mean the story has ended?
L J Sam Helgerson ALW -- This does: *Amen*
Michael J. Weiss Is this Fog Horn Leg Horn?
Dewey Roth Michael J. NotFox gets a Way To Come Late To The Party award!
Michael J. Weiss Awesome! that good?
Drew Foster If the judges are going to be so strict...then we should be able to 'phone a friend' like google or youtube, just sayin
Michael J. Weiss Since I did not read through the postings I deserve at least one point. I SAY I SAY LISTEN TO ME SON--I-I-I DESERVE ONE POINT.
Dewey Roth You deserve a point for being late AND wrong? Gotta love America.
Michael J. Weiss So, let me understand the rules: 1) Points awarded for first to answer. 2) Answer must be correct. This is a hard contest!
Dewey Roth I'm 50% German, so that's how I roll - er - march.

Friday, June 15, 2012

Father of the Year

In honor of Father's Day being just around the corner, I am led to pass on to you a picture sent to me by my co-worker, Gigantor the Drummer/Turtle-Man. (To understand that reference, click here.) It apparently was originally posted at, a site for which I take no responsibility nor offer any endorsement.

Nor do I take any responsibility nor offer any endorsement for the pictured means of child transportation...or is that just a very original-and-strange backpack?

"Excuse me? Hello? A little air here, please. Just a...hello?"


Friday, June 8, 2012

Treeing Up the Wrong Bark

I made what was, arguably, a mistake this past winter. I bought a windshield cover that, it was reported, magnetically clings to one's car and prevents frost from forming. I wanted to be able to save myself from the several minutes of scraping it was taking to clear my windshield before the morning commute.

The purchase itself was not a mistake. Other than needing to tuck the edges of the cover into the car's doors to keep it from blowing away, it worked as advertised and saved me time and effort. The aspect of mistakedness to which I refer is that this single purchase seems to have opened my mailbox up to the receipt of a cornucopia catalogs of varying degrees of desirability and trustworthiness.

The reason all of this is arguably a mistake: I'm getting a gaggle of giggles from some of the blurbs in these things. Take, for instance, the following from Heartland America:

Barking dog keeping you up at night? Stop it with the Dog Bark Eliminator! Styled after systems developed by veterinarians, this device emits an ultrasonic frequency that's inaudible to humans, but dogs can't stand. Simply press a button and it immediately emits a tone to deliver a safe and harmless  -  yet amazingly effective  -  correction. Dog Bark Eliminator also can be used as a coaching device! Features expanded 50' range, audible control option, LED flashlight for walking your dog at night and wrist strap. '9V' batteries not included.

Why does this make me giggle, you ask? There are a few reasons:

1)  The Product's Name: We seriously couldn't come up with anything better than Dog Bark Eliminator? How about K-9 Kwieter? Or Bark-B-Gone?

2)  The Product's Likely Real Effect: Read the description again and tell me you don't believe the device will turn an irritatingly-barking dog into an irritatingly-whimpering dog.

3) The Headline for This Product: And I quote..."Stop any dog from barking safely, effectively, and humanely!" That's right, folks! Now we can ensure any dog will bark dangerously, in a way that will be ignored, and with a degree of cruelty unbecoming of humans!

Friday, June 1, 2012

The Squirrel Story

Back in the days of lock-ins and fund raisers, when I earned my living by herding teenagers, there was a time when the local church staff had to go against every evangelistic instinct within us and try to get fewer bodies in the building for worship.

To be specific, one fewer body...and even more specifically, we're talking about a squirrel. Not just any squirrel, but a squirrel that we had repeatedly chased out of the building, tried to capture and relocate, and even attempted to convert to Judaism so it would go to the synagogue down the street.

But Rocky, as we came to refer to the rascally rodent, was having none of it. He kept infiltrating and infuriating.
(Okay...I know this picture is more likely to be a chipmunk than a squirrel, seeing as how there's no fluffy tail visible. Try to cope with it.)

The final straw came one day when we had him cornered in the church's nursery.

We opened the window and made an exit ramp with the screen, giving the trespasser every chance in the world to escape, but nooooo.... I finally decided that enough was enough (demonstrating my amazing grasp of the concept of equality) and entered the fray.

That's right, I placed myself in harm's way, facing down the snarling nut-muncher with no weapon but the garden trowel I had found in the church secretary's purse/knapsack.

Rocky actually did snarl at me, feigned to the right, then scampered to the left, flinging himself into one of the cribs. I rushed over and started pounding on him with the trowel, which did nothing but bounce him up and down, irritate him, and make him slightly nauseous.

In his attempt to escape the crib, Rocky tried jumping through the railings, but was stopped by his massive shoulders, leaving his head exposed and vulnerable. I seized the opportunity to administer several eventually-lethal blows, while the secretary stood in the hallway...watching and wincing.

The next Sunday morning, what to my wondering eyes should appear but a lone squirrel, standing at the church's front doors on its back feet, peering into the building as if to say, "I saw him go in here, but he hasn't come out." (True truth!) Could almost hear high-pitched voices in the bushes taunting, "Go on! I dare you to knock on the door and ask about Rocky!"

I know all this sounds rather harsh and violent, but let me tell you two things: 1) We never had any more critter problems; and 2) from that point on, the church secretary treated me with an elevated attitude of respect...but from a distance. Hmmm...