Sunday, January 22, 2012

A Cure for What Ailed Me

I was taken aback recently when I read the following newspaper advertisement:

Twas the night before Christmas [okay, I was taken aback about a month ago...] and all through the town, not a creature was stirring, except for a firefighter, a nurse, a doctor, a plant manager, and office worker...some of them struggling to stay awake throughout the night shift...

Supporting those of you who stay awake for the rest of us

NUVIGIL is a prescription medicine used to improve wakefulness in adults who experience excessive sleepiness (ES) due to shift work disorder (SWD). Ask your doctor about ES due to SWD and if NUVIGIL could be right for you.

Several things add to my taken abackedness:

1) The condition of being really, really sleepy now has its own acronym?!?

2) While I can understand the brand name, NUVIGIL (when I stop pronouncing it "noovih-gill" and start saying "new vigil"), I'm puzzled as to why the generic name for this world-saving substance is ARMODAFINIL...sounds like a cross between an armadillo and a flower. Unless maybe instead of "armo DAF ih nill" it's supposed to be "armo da final"...like preparing a student for a very important test.

3) For nine years, I worked from 11:00 at night to 7:30 in the morning. (Not doing anything nearly as important or exciting as fighting fires, tending the sick, or managing -uh- plants; no, no, no...I was proofreading prospectuses for mutual funds.) All that time, I thought my being really, really sleepy was due to a) not getting a good day's sleep; and b) the extremely boring (EB) nature of my duties (MD). As it turns out, it was a medical condition! I was suffering from SWD! I could have joined the ranks of women everywhere who blame their innate crabbiness on PMS and declared, "Hey! It's not my fault I keep falling asleep and writing nonsensical marginal notes like 'bold, no sugar;' I've got SWD!"

4) The fine print is rather worrisome: NUVIGIL may cause serious side effects including a serious rash or a serious allergic reaction that may affect parts of your body such as your liver or blood cells, and may result in hospitalization and be life-threatening.

Seriously? But hey, baby, you'll be awake!

If you develop a skin rash, hives, sores in your mouth, blisters, swelling, peeling, or yellowing of the skin or eyes, trouble swallowing or breathing, dark urine, or fever, stop taking NUVIGIL and call your doctor right away or get emergency help.

Gee...ya think?!? "My eyes are yellow and peeling, and I can't really breathe, but gimme those pills so I can stay awake for what is apparently my imminent death."

Do not drive a car or do other dangerous activities until you and your doctor know how NUVIGIL affects you.

Translation: We're marketing this as a way to do battle with ES due to SWD, but until you pop these pills in your mouth and swallow them, it's only a best guess as to what it will do to you. That'll be $49.99, please.

And now you know why it's called Practicing Medicine (PM).

Sunday, January 15, 2012

Crashing Through Writer's Block

Come on, Mister Creative, sit down and write
Make the world chuckle and don't take all night
Do it in prose, do it in rhyme
Do it in doo-doo; just do it in time!

The good news is, it won't have to make sense
You're long past the time when you tore down that fence
Create a laugh, a snicker, a groan
Tell of a prank to perform on the phone

No need to inspire much wonder or awe
Just pass on the tale of your latest faux pas
Or make something up from when you were a youth
It's okay to lie; this is Almost the Truth

Friday, January 6, 2012

The 12 Days After Christmas

On the first day after Christmas, my true love gave to me
Seven days to take down the tree

On the second day after Christmas, my true love gave to me
Warmed broccoli casserole
And six days to take down the tree

On the third day after Christmas, my true love gave to me
Left-over ham
Warmed broccoli casserole
And five days to take down the tree

On the fourth day after Christmas, my true love gave to me
Spoiled eggnog
Left-over ham
Warmed broccoli casserole
And four days to take down the tree

On the fifth day after Christmas, my true love gave to me
Gifts to return
Spoiled eggnog
A ham salad sandwich
Warmed broccoli casserole
And three days to take down the tree

On the sixth day after Christmas, my true love gave to me
Six pointed comments
Gifts to return
Spoiled eggnog
A ham salad sandwich
Warmed broccoli casserole
And two days to take down the tree

On the seventh day after Christmas, my true love gave to me
Seven snide remarks
Six pointed comments
Gifts to return
Spoiled eggnog
A ham salad sandwich
Warmed broccoli casserole
And one day to take down the tree

On the eighth day after Christmas, my true love gave to me
Eight ultimatums
Seven snide remarks
Six pointed comments
Gifts to return
Spoiled eggnog
A ham salad sandwich
Warmed broccoli casserole
And a dirty look for leaving up the tree

On the ninth day after Christmas, my true love gave to me
Nine nasty notes
Eight ultimatums
Seven snide remarks
Six pointed comments
Gifts to return
Spoiled eggnog
A ham salad sandwich
Warmed broccoli casserole
And a dirty look for leaving up the tree

On the tenth day after Christmas, my true love gave to me
Ten disgusted sighs
Nine nasty notes
Eight ultimatums
Seven snide remarks
Six pointed comments
Gifts to return
Spoiled eggnog
A ham salad sandwich
Moldy broccoli casserole
And a dirty look for leaving up the tree

On the eleventh day after Christmas, my true love gave to me
Eleven ‘Lord, have mercy’s
Ten disgusted sighs
Nine nasty notes
Eight ultimatums
Seven snide remarks
Six pointed comments
Gifts to return
Spoiled eggnog
A ham salad sandwich
Moldy broccoli casserole
And a dirty look for leaving up the tree

On the twelfth day after Christmas, my true love gave to me
Twelve home-baked cookies
Eleven love notes
Ten mended socks
Nine happy hugs
Eight sexy kisses
Seven stunning smiles
Six little giggles
Time to myself
Four Dr. Peppers
Beef on a bun
Sweet potato fries
And a ‘Thank you, dear, for taking down the tree’

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

My 2012 Headline Wish List

Not likely to happen, but it would warm every cockle my heart has to see these headlines sometime this year...

Firefly and Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip Return to Television

Ocean's Fourteen in Post-Production, Ready for Late-Summer Release

Kardashians Fade Into Obscurity

Delta Announces $50 Flights to NYC

Minnesota's First Winter With No Snowfalls Over 3 Inches

Valley Park Neighborhood Oddly Quiet on July 4th

Publisher's Clearinghouse Prize Patrol Visits Local Blogger

The House and Senate Work Together and Actually Accomplish Something Positive

...namely...

Political Advertising Outlawed
Now, only outlaws will run political ads...wait...what's new about that?