Friday, January 28, 2011

I reserve the right to be wrong, but...

According to my exhaustive research (i.e., reading an article by Daniel Gross, "Digging Out of that 'Big Hole'," in the January 31, 2011 issue of Newsweek), the Chief Executive of these United States of America (long may they wave) made a statement concerning the current economic situation that gives me pause.

To quote the article:
In early January, [President Obama] said, "We've got a big hole that we're digging ourselves out of."

Now...I've never claimed to be the sharpest pencil in the box, the brightest bulb in the pack, nor the fuzziest peach on the tree, but it would seem to me to make an awful lot of sense to follow the advice of my dear grandpappy, Ol' Reliable (I don't recollect I've ever mentioned Ol' Reliable before):

When you find yourself in a hole...STOP DIGGING!

Friday, January 21, 2011

Almost the News X

Modern-day Babe is Latest Twins Legend
Professional baseball is abuzz with the news that the Minnesota Twins' latest player acquisition is a talking pig.


Six Dead in Church Van Crash on Freeway
The crash comes as no surprise. Dead people are rarely any good at driving church vans.


Quadruple Amputee Tries to Swim Channel
Why is the song "When the red-red robin comes bob-bob-bobbin' along" going through my head? (Oh my goodness...please forgive me!)

State Saw Job Gains in October
Minnesotan lumberjacks made significant advances before Halloween.


2,100 Arrested in Moscow Sweep
Over two thousand inmates of a Russian jail were issued brooms and forced into a street-cleaning effort.


Jet Lost Contact, Forces Capitol Evacuation
The nation's lawmakers cleared out of their offices as a Boeing 727 searched for a misplaced optic lens.


Man Sues Lab Over Accuracy of Alcohol Test
The fact that he thought a dog could efficiently administer such a test may be an indication of his relative level of sobriety at the time.

Man Arrested in Beer Truck Attack
No word as to why no charges have been filed against the truck.

Sting Foils Oregon Bomb Plot
The former front-man for the rock group, The Police, spread Reynolds Wrap over the piece of ground in Oregon where a dead explosive device was buried. Film at 11.

Monday, January 17, 2011

Movie Quote Stream of Consciousness

For the past few months, my daily status update on FaceBook has been a quote from one of the movies in my VHS/DVD collection. Reading them all end-to-end makes for an...um...interesting experience:

You're speechless, I see. A fine quality in a wife.

Just wishing I could do the job for you, sir. I'd give her a HA! And a HI-YA! And then a OUU-WA! And I'd kick her, sir.

That'll do, pig. That'll do.

Why are things so heavy in the future? Is there a problem with the earth's gravitational pull?

Art off. OK, I want channels 18, 24, 63, 109, 87, and the weather channel. You hear me, runt? I said that's ten, you gutless, yellow, pie-slinger!

I can tell you the license plate numbers of all six cars outside. I can tell you that our waitress is left-handed and the guy sitting up at the counter weighs two hundred fifteen pounds and knows how to handle himself. I know the best place to look for a gun is the cab of the gray truck outside, and at this altitude, I can run flat out for a half mile before my hands start shaking. Now why would I know that? How can I know that and not know who I am? What if I can't find her?

It's easy. She's standing right next to you. If you were in your office right now we'd be having this conversation face-to-face.

It's the same year after year: they come, they eat, they leave; that's our lot in life. It's not a lot, but it's our life.

Well, you know, race cars don't need headlights, because the track is always lit.

Well, so is my brother, but he still needs headlights.

And the big brown bear came lolloping over the mountain.

Do not cite the Deep Magic to me, witch. I was there when it was written. What do you suppose happens back home if you die here?

You are the only ladies of the household, I hope, er, I presume? I'm just doing my job. You gotta appreciate that.

Nah - calling it your job don't make it right, Boss. Why not just kill them? I'll do it! I'll run up to Paris - bam, bam, bam, bam. I'm back before week's end. We spend the treasure. How is this a bad plan? Seize the day, boys! Make your lives extraordinary!

How 'bout this for a number? 6. That's how old my other daughter is. 8 is the age of my son. 2 is how many times I've been married - and divorced; 16 is the number of dollars I have in my bank account. 850-3943. That's my phone number, and with all the numbers I gave you, I'm guessing zero is the number of times you're gonna call it. Do you like kids?

On a case-by-case basis.

Do you know how to make chocolate milk?

I think I could figure it out.

Promise you won't kidnap me and my brother and plant stuff in our brains?
Sure.

Welcome to Earth.

Mine! Mine-mine! Mine!

May God grant us the wisdom to discover right, the will to choose it, and the strength to make it endure. I just want my old job back and my old life. Oh, and two weeks paid vacation for all the workers in the quarry, an annual cost-of-living increase, and those little packets of ketchup in the lunch room. I'm not a smart man... but I know what love is. And what are you? So full of hate you want to go out and fight everybody! Because you've been whipped and chased by hounds. Well that might not be living, but it sure as hell ain't dying. And dying's been what these white boys have been doing for going on three years now! Dying by the thousands! Dying for you, fool! I know, 'cause I dug the graves.

Sorry, no goats.

Baaaaaa-lony.

Wait a minute. You aren't seriously suggesting that if I get through the wire... and case everything out there... and don't get picked up... to turn myself in and get thrown back in the cooler for a couple of months so you can get the information you need?

I was most unfortunate in my youth to come across a vomit-flavored one, and since then I'm afraid I've lost my liking for them. But, I think I could be safe with a nice toffee. It is not our abilities that show what we truly are. It is our choices.

Come now, Harry, the Ministry doesn't send people to Azkaban for blowing up their aunts. Dark and difficult times lie ahead. Soon we must all face the choice between what is right and what is easy. The world isn't split into good people and Death Eaters. We've all got both light and dark inside us. What matters is the part we choose to act on. That's who we really are. You must be wondering why I brought you here.

Actually sir, after all these years I just sort of go with it.

If? If is good. When we crashed, my entire life flashed before my eyes. It didn't take too long. You... you man! You stupid, stupid man!

Five players on the floor functioning as one single unit: team, team, team - no one more important than the other! Just one day, and then I swear I'll be content with my share. Won't resent, won't despair, old and bent, I won't care, I'll have spent one day out there!

OK, remember when Paul McCartney wrote the song Michelle and then he only wrote the first part, Annie said. And then he gave that part to John Lennon, and he wrote the part that said, "I love you, I love you, I love you." And Annie said that it wouldn't have been the same song without that... and that's why the whole world cried when the Beatles broke up on April 10, 1970.

Where — is — my — super-suit?

Snakes. Why’d it have to be snakes? I very little, you cheat very big! My soul is prepared; how is yours? You’re a teacher?

Part-time.

Give 'em the fist, give 'em the wrist, give 'em the finger! He's a piece of hardware, Hogarth. Why did you think the army was here? This rabble you're talking about...they do most of the working and paying and living and dying in this community. Well, is it too much to have them work and pay and live and die in a couple of decent rooms and a bath? Anyway, my father didn't think so. People were human beings to him. But to you, a warped, frustrated old man, they're cattle. Well, in my book he died a much richer man than you'll ever be. You're gonna need a bigger boat. To conquer death, you only have to die.

I'm the king of the swingers, whoa, the jungle V.I.P. Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether or not they could, they didn't stop to think if they should. Oh, yeah. Oooh, ahhh; that's how it always starts. Then later there's running and screaming.

This is T-Rex pee? How'd you get it?

You don't wanna know.

It wasn't the airplanes. It was beauty killed the beast. As my grandpappy, Ol' Reliable, used to say... I don't recollect if I've ever mentioned Ol' Reliable before? In my day, we had fantastical feasts when I lived in the palace. And now, look at me — wasted away to practically nothing — banished, and exiled, and practically starving. Then the clouds opened up and God said, "I hate you, Alfalfa!" I'm ugly and awkward and I always say the wrong things. I fly around throwing away perfectly good marriage proposals. I love our home, but I'm just so fitful and I can't stand being here!

It is a strange fate that we should suffer so much fear and doubt over so small a thing. Not idly do the leaves of Lorien fall. End? No, the journey doesn't end here. Death is just another path...one that we all must take. The grey rain-curtain of this world rolls back, and all turns to silver glass.

Capital bit of humor, wooden leg named Smith!

I know kung fu. Everybody runs. Red light, green light. Come up against a lock you can't pick, you mash them together... *boom*. Hasta lasagna, don't get any on ya.

That was the hardest part about having to portray you: grinning like an idiot every fifteen minutes. Who are you? What's your name? Do you have a wife? A girlfriend? Because if you do, I'm gonna find her. I'm gonna hurt her. I'm gonna make her bleed, and cry, and call out your name. And then I'm gonna find you, and kill you right in front of her. Put that thing back where it came from or so help me...

Hey! Dragon. Dragon, not lizard. I don't do that tongue thing. Jack not name! Jack job! Look at me, I'm the King Of New York! I live for furs. I worship furs! After all, is there a woman in all this wretched world who doesn't?

You've never heard of Leonardo DiCaprio? How far away is London anyway? What is truth? Why should I trade one tyrant three thousand miles away for three thousand tyrants one mile away?

Well, you can't know. Not until you look at a dumpster. But when you climb into that thing for the first time and you pull those newspapers over you, that's when you know you've messed your life up. Somebody comes along like your son, and gives me a leg up, I'll take it. Even from a kid, I'll take it.

But, George, do you think the children will be safe without Nana? A lie keeps growing and growing until it's as plain as the nose on your face.

You ignored the rules of engagement. In a fair fight, I'd kill you!

That's not much incentive for me to fight fair, then, is it? We are very much alike, you and I; I and you...us. Oh, except for a sense of honor and decency and a moral center...and personal hygiene. Have you come because you need my help to save a certain distressin' damsel? Or...rather, damsel in distress? Either one....

My daughter speaks with wisdom beyond her years. We've all come here with anger in our hearts, but she comes with courage and understanding. From this day forward, if there is to be more killing, it will not start with me.

His name is Blane? Oh! That's a major appliance, that's not a name! I work hard to build an empire, and your only joy is to amuse yourselves destroying it.

As you wish.

This pin. Two people. This is gold. Two more people. He would have given me two for it, at least one. One more person. We can stay up late, swapping manly stories, and in the morning, I'm making waffles!

Donkey, you have the right to remain silent. What you lack is the capacity.

Bless us, oh Lord, for these Thy gifts which we are about to receive. And yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of no food, I will fear no hunger. We want you to give us this day, our daily bread. And to the republic for which it stands, and by the power invested in me, I pronounce us ready to eat. Amen.

If you want to be somebody, if you want to go somewhere, you better wake up and pay attention. The road to love may be barred by still many more dangers, which you alone will have to face. So arm yourself with this enchanted Shield of Virtue, and this mighty Sword of Truth, for these weapons of righteousness will triumph over evil.

I'm gonna get out of bed every morning...breathe in and out all day long. Then, after a while I won't have to remind myself to get out of bed every morning and breathe in and out... and then, after a while, I won't have to think about how I had it great and perfect for a while.

She's a female! And all females is poison! They're full of wicked wiles! I like rich people. I like the way they live. I like the way I live when I'm with them.

Wesa got a grand army. That's why you no liking us meesa thinks.

Why do I get the feeling you're going to be the death of me? I find your lack of faith disturbing. Size matters not. Look at me. Judge me by my size, do you? Hmm? Hmm. And well you should not. Your father he is. What do you want to be married to me for, anyhow?

So I can kiss you anytime I want.

Swing Heil! That's it! I've had it with you and your emotional constipation! The world will know that free men stood against a tyrant, that few stood against many, and before this battle was over, even a god-king can bleed.

Music to drown by. Now I know I'm in first class.

I got somethin' to say. And then I ain't gonna say no more. He took advantage of me. And if you fine, fancy gentlemen ain't gonna do nothin' about it, then you're just a bunch of lousy, yella, stinkin' cowards, the - the whole bunch of ya, and your fancy airs don't come to nothin'.

You take your dead cat to the graveyard on the day somebody wicked's been buried, and when the devil comes, you heave your cat at him and say "Devil follow corpse, cat follow devil, warts follow cat, I'm done with you". That'll fetch any wart.

You are a sad, strange, little man, and you have my pity. I'm packing your extra pair of shoes, and your angry eyes just in case.

SQUIRREL!

You have to promise you won't fall in love with me. Hubbell, it's Katie. You did know it was Katie.

Womb to tomb!

Birth to Earth!

Have you ever, like, seen somebody? And you knew that, if only that person really knew you, they would, well, they would of course dump the perfect model that they were with, and realize that you were the one that they wanted to, just, grow old with. Have you ever fallen in love with someone you haven't even talked to? Have you ever been so alone you spend the night confusing a man in a coma?

Well how do you like that? Not so much as a "kiss my foot" or "have an apple". For twenty-three years, I've been dying to tell you what I thought of you! And now... well, being a Christian woman, I can't say it!

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Is this good news or bad news?

It was the kind of headline that would normally get a snarky sentence or two in an edition of "Almost the News": Lakeville Students Up in Arms Over Graduation Ceremonies

Except for one unique occurrence, I would have followed that up with something about God's arms coming out of the sky and carrying away the Class of 2010 as they received their diplomas; or, at the risk of somebody going all "Have you forgotten Columbine?" on me, written a sentence about students with guns in the rafters.

The astute reader is now asking him or herself, "What unique occurrence was it that kept Dewey from treating this particular headline with his particular brand of insight?"

The answer, my friend, is not blowing in the wind. Rather, it is in the following statement: I actually read the news article.

[Respectful pause, allowing for the catching of breath and/or regaining of consciousness]

It seems that several families in the South-of-the-River (SOR) city of Lakeville are earning their titles: SOR-Heads. Having grown accustomed to holding their graduation ceremonies at a Twin Cities' premier event center, the recent command of the school board to cut costs by having graduates graduate from school at the actual school from which they are graduating was met with a determined lack of enthusiastic support.

The line of reasoning goes something like this: There's not as much seating available at the high schools. We would fill up the gymnasium, PLUS having people in the auditorium watching on closed-circuit television, and only have 4-to-6 tickets available per graduate. What about all of Johnny's out-of-town aunts and my second cousin's co-workers who are astounded that anyone from our family is actually completing high school?

The line of reasoning fails to take into account one undeniable True Truth: Most of Johnny's relatives would pay good money to NOT have to sit through a high school graduation.

I think I just solved education's problem with underfunding.

Saturday, January 1, 2011

Nappy You Hear

Following last night's revelry of antioxidant-rich, Pomegranate 7-Up and a 500 tournament (in which my fiery crash of defeat was matched only by last year's excursion to Loserville), I spent this morning drifting in and out of slumber with a disorganized parade of thoughts trying to gain my attention:

  • Did I remember to make that payment that is always due the first of the month?
  • Is anybody else going to buy one of my books (Almost the Truth about Youth Ministry or Almost the Truth: The Blog Archive 2008-2009) this year? (http://stores.lulu.com/deweyroth)
  • I really need to write up that book proposal for I Am Legion and get it to some actual-factual publishers, instead of living in the wilderness of self-publishing.
  • Is that a raccoon on the roof? (For the source of this stray thought, see a previous post: http://almostthetruth.blogspot.com/2009/05/not-exactly-bats-in-my-belrfy.html)
  • Another year, another chance for Lindsay Lohan to hose up her rehab.
  • As of this morning, here in Minnesota, if you drive into an intersection and there isn't room ahead of you to drive out, you are now breaking a law...in addition to being fairly stupid.
  • Ack! I need to write a meditation today to share at the communion table Sunday!
  • Something warm for breakfast would be nice.
  • Did I damage our roof when I spent six hours Christmas Eve with a mini-sledgehammer getting rid of the ice that had built up around the eaves? (There's a reason why those are called ice dams and not ice darns.)

May the coming trip around the sun find us all a little wiser, a little more content, and a lot more able to sleep in without a brain battle bending every bouncing bunch of baloney into a weapon of somnolence destruction.