Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Almost the News IX

Rural Bankers Survey Now Points Toward Contraction
Specifically, the word can't.

Girl Honored by Lakeville Police for Helping Mother
Has it come to this? Is dusting the house before company comes such a big deal now that it gets noticed by the police?

Military Muscle on Display
Hundreds of curious patriots an hour are filing past the preserved bicep of General George S. Patton.

Mark Bellows to Run for Mayor
Tension was high during last night's City Council meeting when Councilman Mark raised his voice and argued, "The mayor should not have to run in the Race for the Cure! I'll do it for him, and I'll do it well!"

Petters Witness Found in Contempt
After being missing for five days, Larry Reynolds was found hiding in a rented storage facility in the small town of Contempt, Arkansas.

Man in Critical Condition After Stabbing
One of the staff nurses at Mercy Hospital is quoted as saying, "All that guy does is whine and complain."

Bear Who Mauled Caretaker Put Down
A bear that mauled a caretaker has been given what is locally referred to as "The Rudolph Treatment": all of the other bears laugh and call him names.

Friday, August 20, 2010

According to the white pages...

The following is an educational service, provided free of charge by Almost the Truth.

According to, there are four people with the name “Dewey Roth” in the United States of America…and I’m not one of them. (It's true. As much as I try to ignore it, my actual, factual name is Duane...though for over four decades no one has called me that with any regularity except my 8th-grade English teacher, Linda Reed. She refused to call me Dewey because she had a girlfriend with that name. I refused to call her Mrs. Reed because I had a basket made out of plants with that name.)

Ravenna, Nebraska is home for an 83-year-old farmer named Dewey Roth. Anybody still actively farming at that age deserves to be recognized for having a not-quite-as-unique-as-I-once-thought-it-was name without any further harassment.

There's another 83-year-old Dewey Roth in McAllen, Texas. Apparently, 1927 was a very good year. According to the aerial view map at, he lives in a dark van in the middle of South Taylor Road.

1958 turned out a pair of Dewey Roths as well. One lives in Independence, Missouri; home of Col. Sherman T. Potter (fictional commanding officer of MASH 4077), Paul Henning (creator of The Beverly Hillbillies, Petticoat Junction, and Green Acres), and Harry S Truman. ("S" with no period, by the way. Like my own father, King Flatulence IV, President Truman had no middle name, just a letter.)

Tonawanda, New York is where our fourth and final Dewey Roth hangs his hat. When the town was founded there were several women named Wanda that lived there...several...large...women.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Oh, what a beautiful earworm!

This quarter's round up of songs I woke up with...

3 – Let the Whole World Sing (DeGarmo & Key)
4 – Heart Hotels (Dan Fogelberg)
5 – Come Sail Away (Styx)
11 – Your Mama Don’t Dance and Your Daddy Don’t Rock and Roll (Loggins & Messina)
12 – If You Leave Me Now (Chicago)
13 – This morning, I was trying to sleep and trying to sleep and kept hearing a strange compilation of what seemed like every recorded song known to mankind…just snippet after snippet of tune after tune. I think my Random Access Memory is short-circuiting.
18 – Forever Eyes/Yesterday (Jars of Clay/Beatles) This made for an interesting mash-up. There is hope! Maybe my subconscious has a promising future as an arranger/producer.
19 – Love is Still a Worthy Cause (Sara Groves)
20 – Turn Your Radio On (Ray Stevens, though, yes, there are a few other versions out there)
21 – Jesus Paid It All
25 – Let’s Get It On (Marvin Gaye…but if you ever get a chance to hear a band called “Ferris” do it live…do it.)

3 – Trickle Trickle (Manhattan Transfer. Long, almost useless explanation: For over a month now, I’ve been posting a snippet of a lyric as my status statement on Facebook…a different snippet each day. The source material has been my CD collection, arranged alphabetically by artist. The first day was Carolyn Arends, then The Association, through the Beach Boys and the Beatles, etc. In this list of morning earworms, I have generally ignored songs that I know are in my head because of the previous day’s status statement. That said, here lies Manhattan Transfer because “Trickle Trickle” pushed its way into my brain in spite of a June 2nd full of Don McLean: “Starry, starry night; portraits hung in empty halls; frameless heads on nameless walls…”)
15 – Whole New World (from Disney’s Aladdin)
17 – Yesterme, Yesteryou, Yesterday (Stevie Wonder)
21 – El Shaddai (Amy Grant)

12 – Love Hangover (Diana Ross)
17 – Stand Tall (Burton Cummings)
27 – With a Little Luck (Paul McCartney & Wings) I am particularly irritated at this particular earworm this particular morning. Firstly, because I’m thinking that it’s only going to get worse after tomorrow night’s PBS special giving Sir Paul some sort of American music honor (and how much sense does THAT not make?); but secondly, because the brain bombardment started over an hour before I needed to get up this morning.
30 – Midnight Blue (Melissa Manchester)