Thursday, January 28, 2010

I'm only human...not!

I did a vanity search on the World Wide Wackfest and made some interesting discoveries:
1. Contrary to what I might be led to believe by the address on all my utility bills, I do not live in Minnesota.
2. I am not a human being.

According to, “Dewey Roth is a private company categorized under Farm Land Leasing and located in Cairo, NE. Current estimates show this company has an annual revenue of $48,000 and employs a staff of approximately 1.”

After I gave up trying to figure out whether they rounded up or down to get to “approximately 1,” I started looking around for my articles of incorporation, but to no avail.

I’ll admit that I haven’t been feeling like myself lately, but I didn’t think it was this bad.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

Almost the Truth to Go

Knowing that the tens of you out there who actually, factually read Almost the Truth feel a little sad at clicking your way to another Web page and leaving the latest installment behind, I have graciously decided to provide a way to keep the grins close to you whether or not you're close to a computer.

It's an amazing invention with which you can read and re-read two years' worth of blog postings without the need of any Internet connection, random access memory, or even battery power.

It's a little thing I like to call a book.

That's right, friends, as of just last night, Almost the Truth: The Blog Archive 2008-2009 is available for purchase at one of two Web addresses:


Now you can have a reason to grin and/or groan at your side, morning, noon, or night. Buy early; buy often. Valentine's Day is coming up. People have birthdays all year round. The 4th of July would be a great time to celebrate the freedom of the press. And you know what? It's never too early to get that Very Special Christmas Present for that Very Special Someone.

Monday, January 18, 2010

The Brave! The Daring! The Shameless!

That journalistic juggernaut of truth and wisdom, Entertainment Weekly, has a feature called "Style Hunter." Every week, there is a page full of answers to reader requests for where to purchase particular pieces of clothing or accessories that were seen in recent television or movie productions.

The following example fills me with wonder and awe...

Who makes Kate Hudson's sunglasses in Nine? - Camilla

For Hudson's glitzy dance number, veteran costume designer Colleen Atwood chose frames by Cutler and Gross London (style 0886), which are available at Selima Optique (212-677-8487; $490).

I'm sorry, but...ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?!!?

1. If I were the producer of that movie, concerned with keeping things within a budget, when Colleen Atwood chose those frames, I would have chosen a different designer.

2. How absolutely fearless does a person need to be to think they can charge that much money for a pair of sunglasses?

3. Are those things made strictly out of the rendered hoofs of Argentinian mountain goats who died of natural causes during a full moon in months that have an "R" in them?

I am so totally in the wrong line of work...

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Almost the News VI

FBI Digs into Yard of Home with 11 Bodies
An internal investigation is underway to determine what has caused the apparent shortage of shovels.

Man Pleads Guilty to Molesting Girl
Of course, he should have been pleading to a judge. If he wanted to plead to a molesting girl, he should have pleaded for her to stop it.

Bill Helps Wireless Users Who Switch
Thanks, Bill. You're a nice guy.

Judge: Gitmo Trials Need Perspective
A new court artist is being sought for the trials of Guantanamo Bay detainees. Judge Royce Lamberth has declared that the work of the current artist "has no depth. It's too flat; practically one-dimensional."

High Court Delays Boy's Return to U.S.
The 9-year-old Brazilian boy waiting to return to his U.S. father will have to wait a little longer. The court can't make a ruling in his case because it's just too stoned.

Saturday, January 2, 2010

Learn a little lesson from our friend the Tasmanian Devil

There it was, on Page 4A of the St. Paul Pioneer Press, on the first day of 2010:

Tasmanian Devil Ill Revealed
WASHINGTON -- Fierce as they are, Tasmanian devils can't beat a contagious cancer that threatens to wipe them out. Now scientists think they've found the disease's origin, a step in the race to save Australia's snarling marsupial. The furry black animals spread a fast-killing cancer when they bite each other's faces. Since the disease's discovery in 1996, their numbers have plummeted by 70 percent. Last spring, Australia listed the devils--made famous by their Looney Tunes cartoon namesake Taz--as an endangered species. The surprise finding, reported in today's edition of the journal Science, has led to development of a test to help diagnose the tumor.

Forget for a moment how the title of this short article calls into question whether the thing that ails Tasmanian devils was revealed or whether a Tasmanian devil was revealed rather badly. There's a more important turn of phrase to skewer here.

Did you notice it?

Since the disease's discovery in 1996, their numbers have plummeted by 70 percent.

So...the thing that's killing off the Tasmanian devils isn't's the discovery of the disease! Before the scientists stuck their noses into it, things were swimming along just fine, but nooooo...They of the Sacred Lab Coats had to go and make a discovery! Now the TDs are racing toward extinction!

Put this in the list of Things That Are Worse Than They Were Because Now There's a Name for It...right along with Swine Flu, Attention Deficit Disorder, and Pre-Menstrual Syndrome.