Sunday, March 15, 2009

Almost the News

St. Thomas on Track for $118M Expansion
In a bizarre turn of events today, the Doubting Apostle was tied to the local railroad track, not in retribution for his presumed lack of faith, but because he was instrumental in the recent high-cost expansion at the university that bears his name.

Man Gets Workhouse for Shooting His Friend
The bartering system sank to new depths when Benedict DiMucci received payment for the assassination of a friend in the form of a workhouse. DiMucci is quoted as saying, "Hey...even a hitman needs a roof over his head."

Climate Debate Puts Nuclear Back on the Table
Things got decidedly out of hand at today's Global Warming Summit as the delegate from North Korea, frustrated by having his proposals pooh-poohed, pulled a nuclear warhead out of his attache' and set it on the table.

Priest for Lepers to Become Saint
The Vatican has announced that the number of lepers awaiting sainthood has become so large, they require the services of their very own priest.

Man Back in Court After Poop Incident
I have no strange twist to add to this actual headline. It strikes me as being strange enough all on its own.

Police in Pakistan Try to Contain Protests
Attempts to contain the growing tide of protesters in Pakistan were put on hold recently when it was discovered that Tupperware doesn't make a large enough Seal-N-Serve.

Man Who Shot Two Cops Ruled Insane
It has been discovered that the Hollandale man who shot at two Owatonna police officers was formally the potentate of a Middle-Eastern nation, even though he was certifiably insane.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Almost the Nativity

I view the Bible as being 100% truthful and reliable...however...it doesn't always report 100% of what actually happened. At times, it uses figures of speech and poetic language and just plain leaves some things out.

For example, what really happened between Luke 1:26-56 and Matthew 2:18?

Following the angel Gabriel's announcement to Mary that she would give birth to the Messiah, and Mary's hasty, three-month visit with her kinswoman, Elizabeth, she returned to Nazareth and her betrothed, Joseph.

"Joseph?" Mary inquired, as she entered the carpenter's shop.

"Is that the voice of my turtle dove?" laughed Joseph as he picked Mary up and swung her around in joy.

"Careful, you glorified lumberjack."

Joseph was a little confused about needing to be careful, so Mary continued: "I've got some wonderful news, oh hubby-to-be! I am expecting a child."

"That's a wonderful, positive attitude, my basket of flower petals. I, too, expect that our God will be gracious and grant to us the blessing of being parents." (Joseph was not the sharpest chisel in the toolbox.)

"You don't understand, my muscular ox. I am, even now, at this very minute, expecting a child."

Joseph tilted his head to one side, squinted, and slowly said, "Yea, verily...me, too."

Mary slipped her hands up Joseph's arms and cupped his face. "Let me speak plainly, oh He Who Is Strong of Arm and Thick of Skull. I'm preggers."

The light dawned excruciatingly slowly in the carpenter's mind: "Heyyyyy...what were you doing for the last three months, anyway? I thought you were visiting your cousin Elizabeth. Is there something in the water up there?"

"Joseph," Mary calmly interjected, "I am not pregnant by the effort of any man. God has placed this child within me."

"Riiiiiiiight."

Sunday, March 1, 2009

...in all the wrong places

In a recent issue of Entertainment Weekly (#1036, 02/27/09, to be exact), Lindsay Soll wrote an interview piece focused on the television show, The Bachelor.

That in itself would be a journalistic event worthy of our fullest powers to ignore, but I noticed something interesting in a sidebar to the interview that answered the burning question, "Past Bachelors: Where are they now?" Season 7's bachelor, Charlie O'Connell received this write-up:

Jerry O'Connell's li'l bro is back with his now-fiancee, Sarah Brice, after breaking up in 2007. The pair are pitching a reality show about their romance. "We didn't fully know each other when we started dating," says O'Connell. "We're looking to move back in together, but the right way this time."

"The right way" being with television cameras continuously focused on your every move? Is that what you're suggesting, Chuck? Yes indeed...you've really learned your lesson now, huh bud?